Criminal Minds
by Clyde-chan
Summary: MINOR HIATUS! Sakura isn't a criminal or a troublemaker. So then, why is she with the Akatsuki, pulling pranks and getting into more trouble than she ever bargained for? She was, after all, a hardworking high school student. Right? /HS fic//ItachixSakura/
1. Work

**(A/N) Shame on me for neglecting my other stories! But ideas for stories keep popping to my head. And my obsession with the Akatsuki has caused my head to implode. This is different from the style of stories I usually write, but hopefully it will work out. So, tell me what you think of my new story.**

**This is like an introduction**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Bold: Inner Sakura**

**Disclaimer: Since I have plans for world domination, maybe one day I will own Naruto. And Kishimoto's ingenious mind…**

**Criminal Minds**

**Work**

"Are you ready to order, sir?"

I tapped my pencil impatiently against the tablet in my hand. The rather large man had been sitting there for a half hour, looking at the small menu. His bushy eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as he pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Just another minute," he said, putting a finger on his chin.

I tried my best to hide my frustration as I walked away quickly. I came upon a table with bowls stacked up, every one of them empty. I sighed, knowing who it was even when I couldn't see his face above the mound.

"Naruto," I groaned, now having a huge mess to clean up.

I heard a loud burp and many of the customers looked over to us. A few even got up to leave. Naruto was bad for business, to say the least. I picked up a few bowls and balanced them on the tray I was holding.

"At least you pay," I muttered.

"But, Sakura, I'm your friend!" he exclaimed.

"And…?" I asked.

"And I should have a discount," he said. "I _am _your number one customer."

"Discount my ass," I said, walking to the kitchen.

Izumi, the waitress on cleaning duty, looked at the dishes disdainfully. Her short, curly hair framed her small face. She was a petite girl, not much older than me, who didn't like having a job where minimum wage was less than her allowance.

"Uzumaki, huh," she said.

I nodded giving her the bowls. Everyone here knew who he was. Not only because he came to the restaurant so often, but because he was my brother. Well, sort of. I've been living with him and his guardian, Iruka, for as long as I can remember.

"Yo, Sakura, you have orders to fill!" Iwao, the cook, bellowed.

His pudgy, aged face was always joyful and boisterous. He actually owned this establishment.

"I'm coming," I called.

I walked back out into the restaurant, ignoring Naruto's cries for help as he was crushed by falling bowls. Instead, I walked over to the man who couldn't make up his mind. His menu was placed on the table and he was tapping his fingers impatiently.

When he saw me, he said," I've been waiting."

"I'm sorry," I said, making a note in my mind to poison his food.

He was the one who kept me waiting.

"I want a coffee, black, and a tuna sandwich, no mayo."

My eye twitched. I've been waiting for half an hour to hear that. I might as well poison his coffee, too.

"Okay, sir, it'll be out as soon as possible," I muttered, grabbing the menu.

I ripped out the page in my tablet and clipped it in Iwao's window. I then went back to Naruto's table to clean up the mess he made. He sat with a bowl overturned on his head and noodles clinging to his face.

"You could of helped sooner," he muttered.

"I could of, but didn't," I retorted, taking the bowls to Izumi who wasn't even finished with the other ones.

"Have you ever considered a hitman?" she asked.

"Yeah, but there's not much money in it for them to kill someone that stupid," I said.

She nodded in agreement.

I walked out from the kitchen once more to see Naruto raising his hand.

"That's not necessary," I said as he jumped up and down in his seat.

"I have to go to the bathroom," he cried.

"And you need my permission?" I asked.

"No, it's just… I forget where it is."

He ate here all the time, and he now forgets where the bathroom is.

"Follow the yellow brick road," I said sarcastically, making him suffer because of the mess.

Naruto moaned. It was rather foolish for there was a sign that clearly stated 'restroom'. Sometimes I think he's getting more and more stupid everyday.

"Sakura, your shift is over," Kohori, the night shift waitress, informed me.

She had jet black hair, which was tied in a ponytail and dark green eyes. She wasn't that much older than me, about nineteen years old. Her presence was intimidating until you actually got to know her. She was very kind if you didn't get on her bad side.

I took off my apron and handed it to her.

"C'mon, Naruto," I called.

He ran over to me, rubbing his hands together. Bouncing up and down, he looked more childish than ever.

"We have to go home quick," he said.

He clearly wanted to use the bathroom. I smiled a bit.

"You see, I'm not going home," I said. "I'm a tutor, remember."

"B-but you have the car!" he exclaimed, a pained expression on his face.

I'm the one who has the car because I'm responsible. Iruka said Naruto can drive when he's forty years old. I know he isn't kidding either.

"I have to walk home?!" he cried.

"See you later," I said, blowing him a kiss.

He stuck his tongue out.

I got in my car, turning the key in the ignition. To tell you the truth, my car was a crapshoot. I expected it to fall apart every time I climb in. Fortunately, it was sturdy enough to get me from point A to point B.

I'll buy a new one when I get enough money.

Don't get me wrong, that's not the only reason I work two jobs. I pay rent. Iruka insisted that I didn't have to, but I felt I owed something to him. He was the one who took care of me all my life, I did owe it to him. So, he finally gave after numerous begs and threats.

I arrived at Konohamaru's house, it only being a mile from my work. He lived the life of the rich and famous, but it was his grandfather who was famous. His grandfather was the mayor and he was pretty good, too. Too bad his grandson was spoiled rotten.

I knocked on the door, and a servant opened it.

"Welcome back, Miss Haruno," he said, leading me to the study.

Konohamaru was seated at his desk, slouching.

"Sit up straight, boy," I said playfully.

He turned and stuck his tongue out at me, just like Naruto. He did, after all, look up to the doof. Just to be a rebel, he sank lower into his chair.

"Good luck," the butler said, winking.

I sighed.

"Let's get started then," I said.

-X-

By the end of our session, papers were strewn everywhere. Konohamaru pouted, his head laying on the desk. We hadn't made much progress, as usual. His only interest was Naruto. It didn't surprise me that he was having trouble. I believe he has ADHD, just like his idol.

"I'll be seeing you tomorrow," I said, picking up my school bag.

Konohamaru groaned.

I walked to my car, and when the door didn't open, I banged it. I pulled the handled, and it came free. Climbing in, I prayed that I -and the car- will make it home in one piece.

I traveled at a speed of ten miles an hour. Can't push it too hard. When I got home, I took my key out of my pocket and twisted it in the doorknob. I opened the door, and felt water splash down on me. I then heard maniacal laughter.

"Naruto," I growled.

It wasn't the fact that I was wet that bugged me, it was the fact that Naruto would be such an ass to do something like that.

"I'll give you to the count of ten," I said. "One, two… ten!"

I ran after Naruto as he headed up the stairs, now afraid for his life. It was like an episode of Scooby Doo, running in and out of rooms. He ran into his room and locked the door. I smiled, and went to my room to get a hair pin. I inserted it into the knob, and the door opened.

I ran in and tackled him, throwing him onto the bed to give him a noogie.

"Mercy, mercy!" Naruto cried.

I stopped and let go of him and he fell on his bed. We both broke out laughing. Then I realized how wet I was and moaned.

"If you two will stop goofing off for a bit, I would like to announce dinner," Iruka said from the door.

"Yes!" Naruto shouted.

"For Sakura," Iruka added, and Naruto's face fell.

"You had twenty bowls of ramen at Iwao's," I said.

I wasn't exaggerating, either. He always ordered twenty bowls.

"Fine," he muttered, looking down.

I got off of the bed and followed Iruka down the stairs. The scent of steak wafted in the air, and I breathed it in. I wasn't much better than Naruto. Though I do opt for junk food rather than ramen. Still, we both had notable appetites.

I sat down at the table and Iruka gave me my plate. I dug into it greedily. I didn't eat at Iwao's because I was always busy.

"You're going to bed right after you eat and take a shower," he said. "You have school tomorrow. And don't eat so fast."

Too late. A piece of steak went down the wrong passageway and I was gagging. Iruka sighed.

I didn't care much for school. I was pretty smart and I had a few good friends. It's the first day tomorrow, a Wednesday, and I couldn't wait to see my friends. Even though they sometimes make me want to stick pins in my eyes. But after the first few days, it becomes monotonous.

That night I slept without dreams.

**(A/N) So, yeah. Working in the summer sucks, but Sakura is very determined. This is more like an introduction. Well, review and tell me what you think of this new story that will hopefully turn out alright. Oh, and expect the Akatsuki to come in the next chapter. Review for a cookie!**


	2. Vandalization is a Bang!

**(A/N) I updated sooner than I thought! I hope you all enjoy this chapter! The Akatsuki show up! -cheers- Anyway, review!**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Dreams, thoughts, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Bold: Inner Sakura (she doesn't really show up)**

**Disclaimer: I own Naruto…merchandise. Kubo Tite owns the real deal.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Vandalization is a Bang!**

"You look like crap."

Leave it to Ino to be so blunt.

She stared at me as I walked to homeroom with her. It was unnerving, but I knew I did look pretty bad. Having Naruto as a wake up call at four in the morning can do that to you. He was excited about the first day, to say the least.

"So, Forehead Girl, what do you think our homeroom teacher will be like?" Ino asked, opting for a venture in subject.

"Hopefully, sane," I retorted.

Our last homeroom teacher, when we were sophomores, was slightly off his rocker. Let me restate that. He was freaking insane. He often mumbled to himself about nonsense that was incomprehensible. He didn't care about what the class did, so he was dubbed as the best homeroom teacher, but he scared the living crap out of most people.

So when I entered the classroom, I was disappointed and disturbed.

"Welcome, students!" bellowed a man in a tight green jumpsuit.

"Hello, Gai-sensei!" a miniature version of him called back.

"You two, please take your seats!" the Jolly green Giant said, pointing to the two of us.

We exchanged glances and took seats next to each other in the back of the class.

"Why do we always get the crazy teachers?" Ino muttered.

"Because God hates us," I answered.

She nodded in agreement.

The door opened and Naruto walked in with a satisfied grin on his face. I knew that grin. He clasped his hands behind his head and took a seat next to me.

"What did you do?" I asked.

I drove with Ino to school, leaving him behind to walk. I regret leaving him alone for I know he caused some kind of mayhem.

"Nothing," he answered.

A second later, Sasuke walked in with a glare. Well, it wasn't very unusual for _the _Sasuke Uchiha to have a glare on his face, but I knew there was some ulterior reason for it. And when he turned the glare to Naruto, it clicked in place.

"How can you cause so much damage in such a short amount of time?" I asked with a sigh.

"Hey, I only put a sign on his back that said 'I'm gay'," Naruto said, his grin widening as he recalled the event.

Sasuke walked to the back of the classroom where we were sitting and stopped at Naruto's desk. In one quick movement, he whacked Naruto over the head, leaving the blonde to rub the protruding bump.

"Hey, at least he got the fan girls off your back," I stated, standing up for my dimwitted brother.

Naruto, Sasuke, and I were childhood friends (which had conceived a rivalry between the two boys). As a matter of fact, I had a bit of a crush on Sasuke in my younger days. But, it was only a crush, and I now care for him as a brother.

"Okay, is everyone here?" our new (and creepy) teacher asked.

He looked down at the sheet he was holding.

"Hmm, it seems like we're missing a few people…"

At that moment, the door came crashing down.

"Tobi, you moron…"

"Oww, Tobi's head hurts…"

"That's what you get, un!"

"Can you two shut the fuck up?!"

"Yeah, you're giving us all migraines."

"It's his fault for ramming his head into the door, un!"

"Tobi didn't mean to! Deidara kicked Tobi!"

There was an explosion and the class headed to the back of the room.

"They're here," Naruto said.

The entire class was stunned. As the dust cleared, four people appeared in the front of the classroom. Deidara, Kisame, Hidan, and a boy I didn't recognize. They made up part of the group called Akatsuki.

"My classroom!"

The cry came from Gai, who was on his knees in tears. Looking around, I realized that the place was a mess. Papers were scattered all over, some burned to a crisp. The chalkboard had a large black mark on its surface. On the ground there was an identical mark. The desks in the front of the class were smeared with the black substance.

"Uh, sorry about that, un," Deidara said, scratching the back of his head.

I didn't know the Akatsuki personally, but everyone knew their names. And feared them. The group sat down, the students backing up out of fear. The new guy sat as far from Deidara as he could, a fearful look on his face. Deidara had a maniacal smile on his face and his eyes had an evil glint.

"Okay…everyone…take your seats," Gai said slowly.

We all sat back down rather hesitantly. The students put a lot of distance between them and the new arrivals. Gai gave them all detention for two weeks.

The Akatsuki is the group that reeks havoc on the school every year. The group that was now shooting spitballs and scaring the hell out of the other students. They're distinguishable by the rings they wear, and the fact that most of them wear black and red.

"Hey, where're the others?" Naruto asked, more to himself that everyone else.

Everyone knew there were nine of them.

"Sasori was expelled," Sasuke explained. " Kakuzu and Zetsu have different homerooms. Pein, Itachi and Konan are a grade above."

Sasuke knew the Akatsuki through his brother, Itachi.

"And what's with the new kid?" Naruto asked.

"He's Sasori's replacement," Sasuke answered.

It seemed logical that they would replace one of their members. They ruled the school through terror, and if they lost a member, that reign might diminish. So, a new guy is exactly what they need to cause fear among the student body.

Though I don't know how the kid, Tobi, could cause anyone fear. Especially when he talks in third person.

"Well this sucks," I muttered under my breath.

"What is it, Billboard Brow?" Ino asked, using yet another 'affectionate' pet name.

"There are four Akatsuki in this homeroom," I said slowly, as if speaking to a child.

"C'mon, it won't be that bad," Naruto said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture.

I looked over to Deidara who was mouthing 'you're dead' to the terrified Tobi across the classroom. Kisame and Hidan making spitballs and terrorizing their peers. I had a feeling in my stomach that Ino was terribly wrong.

The bell rang and we got up to leave. The students were hurried in their departure, not wanting to remain in the destroyed room any longer. I sighed, thinking of how the group had so much control over everyone.

-0-

"LUNCH!"

Naruto's shout was heard throughout the entire school. I smacked him on the back of the head, saving Sasuke the trouble, and walked to the parking lot. We usually ate off campus. But when I saw the Akatsuki, I froze.

They weren't eating lunch. No. Kisame was looking through the window of an expensive looking corvette, a wide grin on his features. He was surrounded by the other members of the Akatsuki, even the upperclassmen.

"Stuck up snobs…" I heard Kisame mutter.

"Yeah," Hidan said, looking in the other window.

"Um, Tobi thinks this is a bad idea!" the boy said, looking around nervously.

"Shut up, new kid," Kisame snapped.

"How about we blow it up, un?" Deidara said.

"What are you guys doing?" Sasuke asked.

I just realized he moved from my side. He was currently standing behind the two Akatsuki.

"Hey, Sasuke, wait up!" Naruto called, running toward him.

I stood there, dumbfounded.

"B-but…" I stuttered.

"C'mon, Sakura!" Naruto called.

I walked toward the Akatsuki reluctantly.

"We're going to vandalize the car, dumbass," Hidan stated.

"Jealous because your car is a piece of crap?" Sasuke asked.

He was very audacious, talking to him like that. He only knew them through his brother, who was currently standing behind us, watching the scene with disinterest. His gaze fell upon me for a moment, and I turned back around. Even though I saw him sometimes when I went to the Uchiha compound, I never talked to him. He was Akatsuki, after all.

"Shut the hell up, squirt," Hidan growled.

He pulled something out of his pants pocket. It was a pocketknife. He was really going to do it. He put the blade to the car and there was a sound like nails scratching on a chalkboard as he ran it along its length. He continued to do that while Deidara put a small clay bird on the hood.

"Stand back, un," he said.

The clay bird exploded and everyone stepped back further when debris came flying toward us. When the dust from the explosion cleared, I saw that the car was burnt out, a fire on the hood.

"Someone probably heard that," Pein, their 'leader', stated.

"Shit! We better run," Hidan said, putting the blade away.

The Akatsuki left hurriedly, leaving the three of us behind. I looked at the skeleton of the car bemusedly. And then I ran like hell.

-0-

"You know what my motto is, un?"

"Here it comes…"

"Art is a bang!"

Only moments after that statement, there was an explosion. Tobi shook his head from side to side

"Deidara…" he muttered.

I sat in my seat, wondering why I had to choose art as an elective. I wondered why Deidara and Tobi decided to sit next to me. And why -_why_- did the blonde have to be a bomb squad reject?

I was edging my chair as far away from them as I could. I did not want to sit so close to Akatsuki.

"Where're you going, Sakura, un?" Deidara asked.

I gulped.

"Um…I…I gotta pee!"

I got up from my seat quickly, taking a pass.

"Oh, Tobi understands," the boy said, thinking I wanted to skip class.

As a matter of fact, that wasn't a bad idea. But I shook my head. I wasn't like that! I'm not an Akatsuki. I'm a hardworking, straight-A student with two jobs.

At least, that's what I thought.

**(A/N) So the Akatsuki really are juvenile delinquents. I feel sorry for whoever's car that was. Anyway, I promise I'll update as soon as I can! For now, I offer…clay! Blowing things up is fun! As quoted by Deidara," Art is a bang!"… un.**


	3. The Akatsuki Idiot

**(A/N) That was a bit of a long wait, huh. Oh well. You all know the drill read and review.**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Bold: Inner Sakura (she doesn't show up much)**

**Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, DO NOT own Naruto.**

**Criminal Minds**

**The Akatsuki Idiot**

"They're a bad influence."

Naruto and I were eating dinner with Iruka. Naruto -with great enthusiasm, I might add- told Iruka about the events that happened at school today. That meant blowing up a car.

Bad influence doesn't even begin to cover it.

"But they're so cool!" Naruto crooned.

"Naruto, you think banging your head against your locker in an attempt to open it is cool," I stated, now certain that there was something very wrong with this boy.

The Akatsuki were not cool. They were crazy.

"Sakura's right," Iruka said, and then mumbled," At least I raised one of them right."

I smiled. I was forever in debt to Iruka. Even if he didn't raise me right, I'd have been thankful for him raising me at all.

-X-

"Tobi, shut up, un!"

"But Tobi didn't say anything!"

The next day of school passed slowly. Remember what I said about monotony? Well, listening to Ino's chattering about the sexy guys of the school and Naruto's very detailed listing of every ramen in the world was just about to make me pull out my hair. Now I'm in art listening to the two Akatsuki argue.

"Hey, Sakura, don't you think art should be fleeting, un?" Deidara asked.

"Umm…" I said, not being able to think of an answer.

"Sasori disagreed with me, un," he continued.

"Tobi agrees with Sasori," Tobi said, nodding.

"What would you know about art, un!" Deidara said, slapping the poor boy upside his head.

"Oww…" he muttered, rubbing his head.

I almost felt sorry for the new kid. Almost.

Things continued like this until the end of class, when Deidara exited with a 'brilliant' explosion. I walked out of the room, trying not to step on students who were caught in the explosion. I went to my locker, got my book bag, and walked out of the building.

I met up with Sasuke and Naruto outside.

"We're going to my house," Sasuke said.

"Don't I have any say in this?" I asked.

The Uchiha compound was often an Akatsuki gathering place.

"No," Sasuke retorted.

I mumbled under my breath and climbed into the car with the two. Naruto sat in the back so he could kick Sasuke's seat. I drove, listening to Naruto's 'shortcuts' and Sasuke turning on heavy metal and blaring it. Sure, I can handle Metallica, but not when it's blasting out of my speakers high enough to make me permanently death.

I was thankful when I finally reached the house.

Actually, 'house' is incorrect. 'Mansion' was what it actually was. The Uchiha clan was as prominent -maybe even more- as Konohamaru's family. The compound was huge. The frigging place had gates! I shook my head, thinking of how Itachi and Sasuke had all of it to themselves.

We entered the house that belonged to Sasuke's family and walked into the huge living room.

"Ah, hell no," I said, a little too loud.

The Akatsuki looked over to me with expressions ranging from amused to indifference. And I mean the entire Akatsuki. All _ten _of them. Even Sasori was there. They were all seated in chairs or the couch. This was why I didn't want to come over.

"Hey, Sakura!" Tobi called from the floor, waving his hand frantically.

I waved back a little, hoping everyone's eyes would return to what they were looking at earlier. Especially Itachi's. His eyes were like ice, and their piercing gaze almost made me shudder.

"Come over her and sit with us, un!" Deidara said.

Naruto grabbed my hand and we went over to where he was sitting. I wanted to remove my hand from Naruto's grasp and use it to throttle him.

"What are you guys doing here?" Naruto asked, taking a seat next to Tobi.

"We're hanging out, dumbass," Hidan answered.

Naruto pouted.

I sat next to Naruto, willing to use him as a shield if I need to. I looked around at the Akatsuki, must of which were watching the television. The only ones who weren't were Kakuzu, who was counting his money, Kisame, who was trying to take that money from him, and Konan, who was trying to prevent the two from tearing each other to pieces.

I scooted closer to Naruto.

"Hidan, of the couch," Sasuke ordered, glaring at the man

"Why should I listen to you?" Hidan asked, his grin mocking.

"Because if you don't, I'll break every bone in your body," Sasuke threatened.

_'C'mon, Sasuke,' _I silently begged. _'Stop being such a possessive jackass, and let him sit on the couch.'_

"Now, now, little brother, be kind to my guests," Itachi said.

Sasuke turned his glare to his brother. But Itachi didn't even have to glare for him to look threatening and his brother soon backed off.

"I don't know why you let this garbage come into the house…" Sasuke mumbled, walking away.

Hidan growled but didn't attack him. Sasuke always tried to act tough in front of the Akatsuki. He was almost as bad as Naruto. Thinking of him, I turned to where he should be, only to find him missing.

"Where did Naruto go?" I asked, searching frantically for my shield.

"He went to the bathroom," Sasori stated.

Damn him. I sunk back to the floor, next to Tobi. He was the friendliest one, at least.

"So, Sakura, want to join the Akatsuki?" Tobi asked.

"W-what?" I managed to spit out.

"You'd be awesome!" Tobi exclaimed. "We'd have lots of fun!"

'Fun' wasn't the first word that came to my head when I thought of the Akatsuki.

"Um, I don't think so," I said as kindly as I could.

Tobi's face fell. I didn't know why he had taken such a liking to me, but it was kind of scary.

"Heh, pinky couldn't make it, anyway," Hidan said.

I guess 'pinky' is me. I resented the nickname, but he was right. I wasn't Akatsuki material.

"Hey, what about me?" Naruto asked.

He was walking in the living room sitting back down next to me. I refrained for bashing his head through the wall.

"Well, the kid's got a knack for pranks," Hidan said.

Naruto's eyes brightened.

_'Oh no,' _I thought.

Naruto in the Akatsuki?

"Um, Naruto, I don't-" I started

"Hey, Pein, what do you think?" Kakuzu asked.

"C'mon, he's an idiot, un," Deidara said. "We'd have another Tobi on our hands."

"Well, maybe we can get the idiocy out of him," Pein said.

"Does that mean I'm in?" Naruto asked.

"Yes," Pein answered.

Naruto jumped up and pounded his fist in the air.

"Unless you do that," Pein said.

Naruto quickly sat down.

My eyes were bulging out of their sockets. That was it? Naruto was now an Akatsuki? I turned to Sasuke to see him shaking his head, muttering something like 'pathetic dobe'.

"Um, Naruto, Sasuke, can I please talk with you in private?" I asked between gritted teeth.

"Sure, Sakura!" Naruto exclaimed.

Naruto and I walked out of the room with Sasuke trailing behind us. Once we got into a different room, I punched Naruto.

"Ow, Sakura, what was that for?" he asked, rubbing his cheek.

"What the hell are you thinking?" I asked, preparing to hit him again. "You're not Akatsuki!"

"I am now!" Naruto said cheerfully.

I slapped my forehead.

"Sakura's right, you're too stupid to be Akatsuki," Sasuke said. "They don't just do your run of the mill pranks. Their crimes range from theft to fights."

"But they're so cool!" Naruto said, not willing to give up.

I sighed. It was never going to get through his head. He just didn't understand what it was like to be Akatsuki.

"Fine, Naruto, do what you want," I said. "Just don't come crying back to me when you find out you can't take it."

Naruto nodded his head quickly and ran out of the room.

"Are you sure it's alright?" Sasuke asked.

He was worried just as much as I was.

"C'mon, you know Naruto," I said. "He won't be able to last with them long."

"I hope your right," Sasuke said.

**(A/N) Wow, you can tell this is an AU fic. Naruto just joined the Akatsuki. I guess Tobi has a new friend! Anyway, review for a football! Hey, it's the Super Bowl soon.**


	4. Mission: Sabotage

**(A/N) Hooray for quick updates! It's because of the Giants amazing victory! The team I was rooting for won!**

**I was actually disappointed with my last chapter, so I hope this one will make up for it. So, give me some love and tell me what you think with your reviews!**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the genius Masashi Kishimoto. The storyline belongs to me.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Mission: Sabotage**

"Hey, Sakura! Want to know what we did today?"

"I don't want to hear it."

I rubbed my temples as Naruto went into a play-by-play record of what pranks the Akatsuki pulled that day. This time -after I begged and pleaded- we were at my house. But that didn't help me escape the Akatsuki for they had come with Naruto. I kept looking at the clock to see when Iruka would be home. He didn't even know Naruto joined the Akatsuki. It had only been one day, after all.

"Kakuzu is teaching me how to pickpocket," Naruto said with wide-eyed innocence.

At that moment I wanted to send the money obsessed Akatsuki a glare. But I knew that wouldn't work out too good for me.

"Sakura, why don't you come with us, un," Deidara said, who was now sitting next to me.

"Where?" I asked, but I really didn't want to know.

"We're pulling a little prank at the school tomorrow," Hidan said from the couch.

Now I knew why Sasuke didn't want him to sit on his couch. I'd have to remember to clean it off when they leave.

"I'd rather not," I said.

"Aww, c'mon, Sakura," Naruto pleaded.

Tobi joined in with him to give me puppy dog eyes. Usually, with Naruto, that worked. But not when we're dealing with the Akatsuki

"Naruto," I warned.

I didn't want to say how much I didn't like Naruto being in the Akatsuki in front of said group.

"This is Naruto's first large scale prank," Itachi said. "I'm sure he'd want you to come."

I looked over to Sasuke for assistance, but he was too busy glaring at his brother.

"Yeah, Sakura!" Naruto pressed.

Itachi was right. This was Naruto's first big prank with the Akatsuki. Who knows what could happen. My sisterly instincts took over. Maybe I was a bit overprotective of Naruto, but this is the _Akatsuki_. This is the 'wrong crowd' Iruka warned us about when we were little kids.

"Fine," I sighed. "I'll come. But it's only because Naruto will most likely screw things up."

"Yes!" Naruto shouted and jumped up to hug me along with Tobi.

"But if you smother me, I won't," I warned.

Tobi and Naruto immediately jumped back.

After a while, the Akatsuki left the house. Iruka came home only minutes after. He looked tired, saying he had a rough day at work, and headed straight to his bed. After he was out of hearing range, Sasuke turned to me.

"You realize what you did, Sakura," Sasuke said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

And then it hit me like a ball to the head. I was going to pull a prank with the Akatsuki.

"Crap."

-X-

"Naruto, if you want this to work, you'll have to shut up, un."

I could tell the mad bomber was getting increasingly annoyed at the new member. We stood outside the school in the cool autumn air. I came prepared, wearing a black sweatshirt and dark jeans. Naruto insisted that I smear black on my face like a football player. I felt like a hardened criminal.

After this, I might actually become one.

I was well on my way for sneaking out. I told Iruka that I was tired from a long day at school. He believed me, and I went upstairs to get ready, a nervous feeling in my gut. I climbed out of my two story window, and went around to the front of the house where Naruto waited.

When we came to the meeting place, the Akatsuki were already there. I looked around at the calm faces. My eyes paused for a moment on Itachi. His long hair blew in the wind as he stood with an almost bored expression his face. He felt my eyes on him, and turned to me. I quickly looked away though, my eyes scanning the group.

Why did I always have the urge to look at him?

"Here's the plan," Pein spoke up.

I listened intently. I didn't know what the prank actually was. As a matter of fact, I could care less. I was only here so Naruto won't get in trouble.

"After we hop the fence, we'll split up," he informed. "Konan, Itachi, Zetsu, Sasori, Kakuzu, and I will go through the front. Deidara, Tobi, Hidan, Naruto, and Sakura will go through the back."

Of course. The newbies go through the back so there will be less chance of us getting caught.

"Deidara, do you have the paint?' Pein asked.

Deidara lifted a black book bag and there was a clanking sound as whatever was inside it moved.

"Let's go then," Pein said.

Pein and his group went first, jumping the fence that surrounded the school gracefully. Our group was a different story. Naruto got his foot stuck and fell on top of Tobi who was just below him. Deidara and Hidan were already on the other side, not bothering to wait for the two. I jumped down from the fence, but not as graceful as the other group. I looked back at Naruto to see he had regained his footing. Both he and Tobi fell to the ground on the other side with a thud.

I waited for them to stand up and brush off their clothes. Naruto grinned and gave me the thumbs up. We ran to catch up with Deidara and Hidan who were now going around the back. In the back, the dumpsters gave off a repugnant smell. On the wall next to the door there was a sign that said 'no loitering'.

_'How about breaking in?' _I thought bitterly.

The door was unlocked and we walked in. The school was never locked. Who would want to break into a school? The security lights were on, though, but we knew that no one was here.

"Naruto, you take Ichiko's classroom, un," Deidara said, throwing him a can from his book bag.

Naruto nodded his head enthusiastically and ran into the unlocked classroom.

"Um, what are we going to do?' I asked hesitantly.

"Well, we have spraypaint cans and we're inside the school," Hidan said. "What the hell do you think we're doing?"

"Repainting the classroom?" I asked, hoping it was the actual truth.

Deidara shook his head and threw a can at me.

"You take Etsu's class," he said. "She's mellow, un."

Let's see how mellow she is when she sees her classroom tomorrow.

I wanted to chicken out. I looked at the can in my hand and grimaced. It was then I realized how bad this actually was. Too bad I couldn't get out of it.

"Tobi will help Sakura!" Tobi called.

"I guess I can, too, un," Deidara said. "You'll probably screw up."

I didn't have the guts to glare. Actually, my guts were squeezing together, making me feel sick. It all seemed surreal as I felt the adrenaline pump through my veins. I walked into the dark classroom, turning on the lights. I felt safer that way. The two followed and Deidara turned the lights back off.

"Do you want to get caught, un?" he asked, shaking his can.

He walked to the chalkboard in the back of the class and popped the cap off. There was a hissing sound as the paint came out of the can, landing on the chalkboard. Tobi walked to the desks and began to spray them. I went to the front chalkboard nervously. I shook the can and took the cap off. I sprayed the green paint on the chalkboard.

Just then, I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. I prayed that it was Hidan or Naruto. Oh, how wrong I was. A bright light filled the classroom, as a policeman shined his flashlight on our faces.

"Stop what you're doing and drop the cans," he said sternly.

I did what he said immediately and raised my hands above my head. I had a fleeting thought of whether this would appear on Cops. My first infringement on the law was making me insane.

"Looks like were caught, un," Deidara said, dropping his can. "Should've known there was a silent security alarm."

Tobi followed suit, beads of sweat trailing down his face.

My mind told me to run, but my body refused to do so. I felt like a deer in headlights.

My criminal record has just been established.

**(A/N) Busted. That sucks for Sakura. Anyway, expect the next chapter sooner. I already have it all typed out. All I need is your reviews to post it. Another bribe for you to review! I'll give you a spray paint can so you can vandalize your classrooms. I'm such a bad influence, aren't I?**


	5. n Naruto

**(A/N) Ah! Finally! Sorry for the wait, but my computer was (and still is) being a bitch. I think it's okay now, but we'll see. There was a lot of debate for the title of this chapter so I brought it up with my 'council' (group of Naruto obsessed friends) and decided on the title (after a lot of fights o.0). The **_**n. **_**is the abbreviation for 'noun' in dictionaries. You'll see why I chose this after you read.**

**Enjoy!**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Bold: Inner Sakura (Still don't know if she'll show up).**

**Disclaimer: I -sigh- don't own Naruto… -mumbles incoherently-**

**Criminal Minds**

_**n. **_**Naruto**

"Miss Haruno, this is _very _unexpected of you."

_'You're telling me.'_

I shifted uncomfortably in the hard, cold chair that sat in front of the principal's desk. Deidara was on my left and Tobi at my right. We were the only ones who were caught. The only thing I could take refuge in was the fact that Naruto wasn't caught.

"I'm very disappointed in you," he continued. "Why did you do it?"

It felt like I was in an interrogation. The police left, but now I had to face Mr. Fugiwara, the new principal (who turned out to be the man who couldn't decide on what to shove down his throat at Iwao's). Could this day get any better?

"Defiling school grounds is a serious crime," he said with severity, his signature eyebrows furrowing together. "I should have you all arrested."

Deidara only smirked, and I knew he was use to this. Tobi was only slightly nervous because he was new.

Me? I was a nervous wreck.

"I'm afraid this will be on your permanent record," he continued.

Permanent record? I thought that was only a lie teachers told you so you would behave. I now wish it was.

"But, Miss Haruno, since this is your first offense, I'll let you off with a warning."

I nodded my head slightly, a wave of relief washing over me. I'm glad I didn't poison his food.

"You too, Tobi," he said, and said boy calmed down a bit. "But I'm suspending you, Deidara."

Deidara only shrugged.

"Now I have to call your guardians."

I swallowed hard. I wasn't afraid that Iruka was going to punish me. I was afraid of his disappointment. Just the other day he had said he'd raised me right. I knew he was proud of me. Even if I wasn't his child by birth, he treated me like it.

"Mr. Fujiwara, is it okay if I just walk home?"

"It's too late to be walking home on your own," he said.

"Tobi's mom can drop Sakura off at her house," Tobi said.

"Okay, Miss Haruno, I'm letting you off easy," the principal said with a sigh.

I nodded again. I sat in the uncomfortable seat as Mr. Fujiwara called Tobi's parents.

"How about you, Deidara?" he asked after he hung up.

"I live alone, un," he said, playing with some clay.

"Tobi's mom can drop him off, too," Tobi chirped again.

The principal sighed and nodded. It felt like an eternity -but it was only minutes- waiting for Tobi's mother. I'd never been to the office before for something bad. Usually I was here to accept academic awards.

_'Stop beating yourself up over this,' _I told myself. _'You only came in the first place to protect Naruto.'_

I began to wonder if breaking into a school and spray painting a chalkboard counted as protecting Naruto.

I was glad when Tobi's mother showed up. She looked like him, with long black hair and kind eyes. Her face was stern, though, and I knew she was going to scold her son fiercely. In a way, it made me miss my own mother. We got into her car as she drove to where Deidara lived.

After he was dropped off, I was next. I was hopping the sound of the engine wouldn't wake Iruka. Silently, I walked up to the front door and unlocked it. The click of the lock was almost deafening in the silence of the night. I walked in and closed the door behind me. The floorboards creaked under my feet as I walked. When I reached the staircase, I stayed to the side to make less noise. I finally reached my room, and as I entered it, I was assaulted.

"You're alive!"

"Shut up, Naruto!" I whispered fiercely.

He let go of me and I turned on the light. He looked at me with wide eyes, concern written on his face.

"I'm so sorry!" he cried. "I should of stayed with you!"

"If you did, we both would've gotten in trouble," I said, sitting down on my bed.

He sat next to me and said," I shouldn't have asked you to come."

I looked at him with a smile.

"I didn't come because you asked me to," I said. "I came because I was worried about you."

"You don't have to worry about me…" Naruto grumbled, crossing his arms.

I looked at him incredulously. This was coming from the boy who got his head stuck in a folding chair.

"You say you don't want me to worry, and yet you joined the _Akatsuki_," I said.

"Only because I didn't want people to think I'm an idiot!" Naruto said.

"Well, that had the opposite effect," I said. "If anything, that makes you more of an idiot."

"Everyone thinks I'm just a joke," Naruto said, looking down. "I thought maybe if I was in a group like the Akatsuki, people would stop looking down on me."

I looked at Naruto bemusedly. So this was why he wanted to join. I just thought it was so he could pull bigger pranks. But in truth, it did make sense. When we were younger, Naruto didn't really have friends. I didn't, either. But Naruto handled it differently. He became the class clown, the town idiot, just so he could be noticed. He did get noticed, too, but not for good reasons.

"Naruto, I _want _you to be an idiot," I said.

Wow, that sounded strange. I decided to rephrase my words.

"What I mean is, you're the kind of person that brightens everyone's day," I said. "No one looks down on you. Everyone enjoys you and your personality. And I don't want to lose that."

Naruto's eyes brightened as he smiled.

"Thanks Sakura!"

Naruto hugged me tightly, and I let him. I cared for Naruto, no matter how much I refused to admit it publicly. He was my family, and I cherished him.

"_Ahem._"

Naruto and I looked toward the door to see a very peeved Iruka standing there.

"Sorry to interrupt this hallmark moment, but do you have any idea what time it is?" came the famous line.

"No," I answered truthfully.

"It's twelve in the morning," he said fiercely. "Now I want you two to go to bed."

He stomped away and the two of us laughed.

"You heard him. Get out."

-X-

_"This is Iruka Umino. He's going to be your new father."_

_I looked at the smiling man and the young boy standing next to him. The boy had gold hair and a wide, friendly grin. The odd thing about him was the whisker-like marks on his face._

_"I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" he said, pointing to himself._

_"I'm Sakura Haruno," I said, chuckling at the boy._

_He was very strange._

_"Now you behave, Sakura," Mr. Kuroto said, patting my head._

_"I will!" I said, happy to finally have a family._

_My parents had died a month earlier. I didn't remember them much, for I was only six, but what I did remember was their love. After the accident, I was taken into a foster home. Now I was being adopted._

_"Hey, I'll show you your room!" Naruto said enthusiastically._

_Naruto grabbed my hand and dragged into the house and up the stairs. He led me down the hall to a door that had a sign saying 'Welcome Sakura'. I opened the door and stepped into the room. It had all of the regular accommodations. A bed, dresser, closet, and mirror._

_It was left for me to decorate, and I loved it._

_"Do you like it?" Naruto asked, his eyes inquisitive._

_I nodded my head._

_"Wanna see mine?" he asked._

_I nodded once more and followed him. His room was across the hall and a bit…different. The walls were covered with posters of ramen and the bed sheets had ramen patterns. The floor was littered with instant ramen cups._

_"I guess you like ramen," I said, a bit disturbed._

_Naruto grinned and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the room._

_"Where are we going now?" I asked, trying not to trip as he dragged me down the stairs._

_I would have to get use to him pulling me around._

_"You gotta meet Sasuke!" He said and we left the house, leaving Iruka to call after us saying 'be careful'. _

_"That kid has too much energy for his own good," my new father muttered under his breath._

_"Sasuke's a butthead, but he's cool once you get to know him," Naruto continued._

_I nodded and we walked (actually _ran _down the street. We stopped at a huge and intimidating gate with a fan design at the top. Naruto walked through and I followed hesitantly. I was shocked when I entered. The gate had led to an entire compound! There were stores and houses scattered all around._

_"Well if it isn't Naruto!" an old woman, who was standing in front of one of the stores, said. "Who's that there with you?"_

_"Her name's Sakura," Naruto replied. "She's my new sister!"_

_I waved at the woman shyly. I was a bit surprised the boy considered me a sister already. It felt nice to hear those words._

_"Where's Sasuke?" Naruto asked the woman._

_"He should be at his house," she said._

_Naruto thanked her and began dragging me along again. He stopped at a rather large house and took his shoes off, stepping inside. I followed suit._

_"Yo, Sasuke, where are you?!" he called, walking through the house._

_"Um, shouldn't you have knocked?" I asked timidly, hoping we wouldn't get in trouble._

_"Nah," Naruto answered, but I wasn't so sure._

_"Sasu-"_

_Naruto's next call was cut off as a hand covered his mouth._

_"Shut up, dobe," the owner of the hand said._

_The boy was our age and had spiked hair that reminded me of a cockatoo. His onyx eyes were glaring firmly at Naruto. In my opinion, he was rather cute._

_"Ew, you licked my hand!" the boy said, taking his hand off of Naruto's mouth._

_Said boy laughed as the other one rubbed his hand on his shirt._

_When the cockatoo boy noticed me he asked," Who's she?"_

_"Her name's Sakura and she's my sister," Naruto replied. "Sakura, this is Sasuke, the butthead I told you about."_

_"Hi Sasuke," I said shyly, blushing a bit._

_"Hn," he responded._

_"What did I tell ya," Naruto said._

_"Sasuke, you didn't tell me you were having guests," A young woman said, walking up next to Sasuke._

_She was beautiful with long, bluish-black hair. I guessed she was Sasuke's mother._

_"I didn't _know _I was having guests," he replied through gritted teeth._

_"Why don't you stay for dinner, Naruto?" the woman asked. Then she saw me and asked, "Who's this?"_

_"She's Sakura, my sister," Naruto said proudly, introducing me for the third time._

_"You're awfully cute," she said, smiling kindly. "I'm Sasuke's mother. It's a pleasure to meet you."_

_I smiled slightly and said 'hi' timidly. I wasn't very good with meeting new people._

_"Sasuke, you shouldn't grimace like that."_

_I looked over Sasuke's shoulder to see a boy that looked like him, only older. His hair was long and had lines going down his face. The onyx eyes were the same, though._

_Sasuke smiled, his grimace that was aimed toward Naruto was gone._

_"Itachi, you said you'd help me study," he whined good-naturedly._

_"I'm just too busy right now," Itachi said, poking Sasuke's forehead. "It seems we're having a new guest."_

_He looked at me with a smile._

_"She's-" Naruto started, but I interrupted._

_"I can introduce myself," I pouted. "I'm Sakura Haruno-"_

_"And she's my sister!"_

_So much for introducing myself._

_"Nice to meet you, Sakura. I'm Itachi, Sasuke's older brother," the boy said, patting my head._

_I blushed and smiled. _

_Sasuke's mother went into the kitchen to prepare dinner while Itachi, Sasuke, Naruto, and I went to the living room to wait. It was strange, sitting with these people I just met. But somehow, I felt happy. Happy that Naruto had accepted me. That I met Sasuke and Itachi. Happy that I could start a new life._

_I had a family._

**(A/N) Just in case you didn't notice, the flashback was a dream. I felt the trip down memory lane was necessary. This chapter was very family oriented, not too much humor. Anyway, I chose the title because this chapter was mostly about Naruto (and Sakura). Again; sorry for the longish update. My computer was being a bitch. Anyway, I have the other chapter half-way done, so I will have that up as soon as I can. For now, review for Mikoto's delicious home cooked dinner!**


	6. Of Stalkers and Food Fights

**(A/N) I'm back! Sorry for the wait but I had issues with my computer blah, blah, blah. I'm tired and don't feel like writing an author's note, so just read.**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Disclaimer: You really think I own Naruto?**

**Criminal Minds**

**Of Stalkers and Food Fights**

I awoke from my dream with a small smile. It was nice to bask in the nostalgia that was hidden away in my subconscious once in a while. My favorite memory, as a matter of fact. The first time I met Iruka, Naruto, Sasuke and Itachi. It was the start of my new life.

"Saaaakkkkuuuuuurrrraaaaaa!"

Too bad it was with this idiot. I quickly climbed out of bed and locked my door which was covered with caution tape and a sign that said 'Do Not Enter. That means you Naruto'. There was a thud as Naruto collided with it, and I heard him whine as he -most likely- rubbed his head.

"Sorry, Naruto, you should have read the yellow tape," I said with a smile.

Naruto grumbled and I heard him slide down to the floor against the door. There was a silence as I brushed my bedraggled hair.

"I'm not leaving the Akatsuki."

Naruto's voice filtered through the door which was serving as a barrier.

I inhaled sharply as if I was just punched in the gut. I threw the door open and he fell into my room, once again injuring his head.

"Ow, Sakura, are you _trying _to give me a concussion?" he asked, lying on the floor in a ball as he tried to soothe his sore head.

"What the hell do you mean you're not leaving?" I asked, yelling.

I shut my mouth when I realized Iruka would come if he heard me throwing a fit. But this was insane! _He _was insane!

"I like the Akatsuki," Naruto went on.

"No you don't," I said sternly.

"You can't tell me who I like," he said indignantly, sitting up.

"Yes, I can," I said.

I knew I was being tyrannical, but this was crazy. Naruto said he only joined because he didn't want people to look down on him. Now he's saying he _likes _them. I thought I convinced him to stay the way he is.

Naruto stuck out his tongue and said," They like me and they're nice!"

"Nice? They're maniacal!" I whispered fiercely.

"How can you say that when you don't even know them?" he asked, crossing his arms with a pout.

"No, I don't," I said. "But I know they always cause trouble. Last night's incident was proof of that. I just don't want you to get involved with those kinds of people."

God, I sound like a mother. Actually, I sounded like the overprotective sister that I am. Naruto was always stubborn, but this was ridiculous! It was clear that he had no common sense (or if he did, it was deciding to sleep in).

"I'm staying," he said adamantly.

I groaned. This was horrible! I was hoping the Akatsuki would tear him apart, and Naruto would come crawling back to me. That's why I let him join in the first place. I had hoped he would learn a lesson, but clearly it didn't work out like that.

"Fine," I said resignedly. "But I'm not saving your butt if you get in any trouble."

_'Liar,' _I thought. _'Next time he decides to pull a stupid stunt, you'll be right there with him.'_

Naruto jumped up and hugged as I grumbled under my breath. It was only morning and already things had taken a turn for the worse.

-0-

School was Hell.

Of course word had spread. It was to be expected after a stunt like that. There were mixed reactions from the student body. They ranged from pity to pride, hate to disgust. The Akatsuki were the ones who showed the most pride, of course (even though I did get caught).

"Miss Haruno, I'm very disappointed in you," Gai-sensei said in homeroom.

_'Number twenty-seven,' _I thought, making a list of all of the teachers who have informed me of their displeasure.

I've lost count of the ones who've just glared at me.

"I didn't know you had it in you, Forehead," Ino said as she applied her makeup in a compact.

_'Number two hundred forty-five,' _I thought.

This time it was a list of all the students who told me that. No matter if they approved or disapproved, they said that. People I didn't even know came to inform me.

The thing I was worrying about most was Iruka finding out. The comments were just child's play compared to what I'd endure if Iruka ever found out. The guilt, that is. I didn't care about the punishment.

I had a chance encounter with the cause of my new popularity in the hallway when I went to the bathroom. Why did my bladder choose now to be full?

"Even though you got caught, you still got guts," Hidan said, patting my back.

Sasuke just glared at me, having been with them at the time. Pissed didn't even begin to describe it. Naruto had tried to calm him, but nothing could pacify him. Sasuke became even more pissed when Deidara approached me about joining the Akatsuki.

"C'mon, Sakura would be awesome!" Tobi howled.

"Uh…no?" I said (more like asked).

I was afraid of this. Once a criminal, always a criminal. Wait. What am I saying? I'm not a criminal (even though I'm pretty close)!

"C'mon, Sakura, un," Deidara nearly begged.

"Don't try to pressure her into something she clearly doesn't want to do," Itachi said.

I wanted to scream 'thank you'! At least someone understood that I do not want to get involved with juvenile criminals. Too bad the others didn't quite get it.

"Who says she doesn't want to do it?" Tobi asked.

The Akatsuki all turned their eyes to me. Didn't I just say no (well, sort of)?

"Uh, well, I don't really…" I stammered.

I didn't want to piss off the Akatsuki. If I said no, they'd probably go on a rampage.

"Sakura is not joining you guys," Sasuke said firmly, glowering.

"Shove it, asshole," Hidan said.

"Just let me think about it…" I said, trying to escape.

_'Smooth.'_

I already knew my answer. It was a plain and simple no. I just needed to figure out how to say it without getting killed.

"Really?" Deidara asked.

"Um…yeah," I said, hoping they'd get off my back.

Tobi hugged me and I had that ever present urge to glare at him. The Akatsuki walked away after coming to terms with my answer. Well, most. One member stayed.

"You don't have to join," Itachi said.

I looked at Itachi, glad someone was on my side (even though he did scare me a bit). It was nice that he was actually concerned (or he just thought I couldn't cut it). Either way, I was glad he said that.

"I know," I said. "I just don't want to get blown up."

Itachi nodded and walked away. I watched him curiously until there was an acute pain in my pelvis and I charged to the girls' bathroom. After I was relieved, I walked to my next class. Unfortunately, it was with Etsu-sensei.

I walked to the classroom, nervously awaiting the guilt that was bound to wash over me. As I entered, everyone's gaze turned to me. I didn't like being put on the spot, so I sat down quickly. Etsu just began her lesson for the day, not even sparing me a glance. I could see that her lips were pressed together.

She wasn't the kind of teacher who'd yell at you if she was angry. She'd just ignore you. I looked at the chalkboard that still had paint on it, even after they tried to wash it away. The desks also had paint, and I wanted to get a paper towel and rub it away so I wouldn't have to see it anymore.

-0-

"Looks like prisoner number two oh one has arrived."

"Hilarious, Izumi."

She gave me a smirk. She's enjoying my recent felony a bit too much. She said she knew one day I'd snap because of Naruto. She was only half right.

"How do you even now about that?" I asked, hoping I wasn't on the news or something like that.

She pointed to Naruto who was working on his fourteenth bowl of ramen while onlookers gagged. I sighed and walked into the kitchen and Izumi followed. I was never so happy to have cleaning duty. I was glad I could escape the spotlight.

_'Maybe I should just crawl underneath a rock,' _I thought miserably.

Izumi continued to tell me how Naruto should be sent to a mental institution as I cleaned a dish that had remnants of God only knows what. I _really _wanted to squirt her with the hose I was holding.

"Izumi, I just want to forget about it," I said as she said that I should go to prison to get 'street cred'.

"C'mon, I'm sure it was fun," Izumi said with a mischievous grin. "I bet you want to do it again."

She leaned towards me conspiratorially.

"No, I don't," I replied, deliberately splashing some dirty water on her.

She didn't mind, though.

"Maybe Naruto's good for something," Izumi continued. "You've got to stop being such a dork."

I sent her a glare.

"Yes, because a criminal record would help so much," I said, and then added bitterly, "Don't you have food to serve?"

"Yes, but those pathetic creatures that taint the air with their carbon dioxide can starve, for all I care," she said sourly. "Listen, Sakura, you've got to have some fun."

"Vandalization is not my idea of fun."

"What is then? Staying up all night and studying for some stupid test. When was the last time you actually went out and had a good time?"

"Last Saturday I went to the movies with Naruto."

"I said 'good time'."

I rolled my eyes. Izumi was not helping. I didn't want to hear about my misdemeanor anymore. I just want to put it behind me. People do make mistakes after all.

_'But usually they don't involve breaking into a school,' _that little voice told me.

"Izumi, why don't _you _join the Akatsuki? Your idea of 'fun' is quite akin to theirs."

Izumi snorted.

"Ha, they're just juvenile delinquents. I'll stick with the big guns."

She walked out of the kitchen, grabbing plates of food on her way. She turned back to me and winked. I knew she meant well, but she sure as hell had a way of saying it. Why couldn't she just listen to me and shut up about the 'incident'? It was only a little thing. Besides, I was let off the hook.

The kitchen door swung open and Izumi came running in. I readied the hose.

"Guess who's out there," she said, ignoring my weapon.

"Men in white coats coming to take you away?" I asked hopefully.

"No, the Akatsuki!"

"Are you sure it's not the men in white coats?"

Izumi rolled her eyes and said," don't you want to talk to them?"

Remembering what I said to them, I shook my head fiercely. I still haven't thought of a way to tell them the simple (yet dangerous) word.  
"You either go out, or I'll tell them you're here myself," Izumi said, her expression dark.

I would laugh at her attempt of intimidation if what she said wasn't so horrible.

"What are you trying to prove?" I asked, horrified at the prospect of speaking to them.

"I'll take over," Izumi said, grabbing the hose and pushing me towards the door, leaving no room for argument.

I grabbed my notepad and walked out of the kitchen reluctantly. Damn her! Was she so hell-bent on annoying me or was she just sadistic?

"Sakura!"

I was immediately greeted by Tobi who ran up and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. Could my day get any worse? Wait. I shouldn't think that, because when I do, things always get worse (though I now find it impossible after all that's happened). Tobi let me go and I gasped in the air.

"Are you stalking me?" I asked Tobi in a teasing tone, hoping karma would work in my favor.

Maybe if I was nice to him, he would leave me alone. But the question was quite sincere. I really hope they weren't stalking me. I looked over at the group, happy to find that Naruto wasn't there. Hopefully he was already home.

"Of course not, Sakura!" he said cheerfully. "Tobi was just hungry."

On cue, his stomach growled. Tobi blushed and held his stomach. I looked at the others sitting at the table. Half of them looked like they didn't even want to be there. I walked over, wanting to get it over with.

"So, what will everyone be having?" I asked in my 'friendly waitress' tone.

"Tobi wants a tuna sandwich!" the boy yelled.

I shuddered, thinking of the principal. Tuna sandwiches bring back bad memories.

"You did that just to annoy me, didn't you?" Kisame grumbled.

Tobi grinned mischievously and Deidara ordered a tuna sandwich, too. Kisame glared at him. I wondered why he was so upset.

_'He does look like a fish,' _I thought, holding back a laugh at the thought.

"I'll have whatever's cheap," Kakuzu said.

I had the urge to say 'everything here's cheep'. I looked at Kisame.

"Whatever's expensive," he said, grinning at Kakuzu.

Kakuzu growled. I wrote down the most expensive meal I could think of and looked at Zetsu. He seemed to be arguing with himself.

"But we want this! _No we don't. _Yes we do!"

I cleared my throat and he looked at me.

"We'll have _humans-_er, I mean fish," he said quickly.

Kisame smacked his head against the table as Tobi and Deidara laughed. The Akatsuki were either on a fish diet or trying to annoy the hell out of Kisame. If it was the latter, they were doing a very good job.

Everyone ordered and I left thankfully. I went to the back to the kitchen and slapped Izumi on the arm.

"What was that for?" she asked, rubbing her sore arm with a slippery gloved hand.

"For putting me through that," I said, rubbing my temples. "I didn't want to talk to them!"

Izumi only shrugged and returned to her duties. I wanted to slap her again, but resisted. I stayed in the kitchen until the orders were ready, watching Izumi do dishes. It was the only joy I could cling to.

"Hey, Tokiku, what are you doing the dishes for?" Iwao asked Izumi (Tokiku is her last name). "You have orders to fill!"

"Sakura is taking my shift," she said, and added to me quietly," I'll cover your next one."

"Whatever, it's still not going to help your situation," I said. "You're on probation."

"Probation?" Izumi asked quizzically.

"Do that again, and your dead," I said, shooting her a glare for good measure.

Izumi only laughed.

"Sakura, get your ass out there," Iwao said, handing me the Akatsuki's meals.

I sighed and walked out reluctantly with plates in my hands. I placed them on the table in front of the Akatsuki and went back to the kitchen to get the rest. I finished placing them on the table and turned to leave.

"Why don't you join us, Sakura?" Sasori asked.

_'I can think of a few good reasons,' _I thought, but bit my tongue.

Why was Sasori asking me anyway? It's not like I ever talk to him.

"It's my shift," I said, feigning a smile.

"C'mon, Sakura, un!" Deidara said.

Once again, fear of being murdered caused me to give in. I silently sat next to Tobi, who was banging his fork and knife on the table (though they were unnecessary to eat a sandwich with). I noticed the Blonde Bomber (my personal nickname for him) had a rather mischievous smile on his face.

_'Uh oh,' _I thought.

It seemed everything was on cue today. Right when I thought that, he picked out some tuna from his sandwich and flung it at Kisame, who was glowering at the most expensive meal which was -not surprisingly- fish.

"I'm not hungry," Deidara said innocently, shrugging his shoulders.

Kisame redirected his glare to the madman, took his fish, and threw it straight at Deidara. Said Akatsuki growled and took the entire tuna sandwich, splattering it on Kisame's face. The sandwich fell to his lap to reveal a death glare.

It was war.

Kisame and Deidara continued to fling food at each other, stealing their friends' meals. Bystanders watched bemusedly as the battle waged.

"Tobi wants to play!" the new Akatsuki yelled, and threw his sandwich at Kisame.

I did not want to be caught in it, so I scooted away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

The shout came from Izumi who had left the kitchen. Her face was contorted with rage and the expression 'if looks could kill' came to mind. The food fight still didn't stop, and Izumi growled in an animalistic way. She stomped over to the table and grabbed Deidara and Tobi by the back of their shirts. She was surprisingly strong, dragging the two outside. When she reentered the building again, she headed to Kisame like a predator stalking its prey.

"I'll just walk," Kisame said, placing some money on the table.

He got up, putting his hands up in a surrendering gesture. Walking out, he found Deidara who was already half-way down the street and attacked him. I noticed Tobi wasn't with the bomber. Instead, he was pushing his face against the window, making puppy-dog eyes as the glass distorted his features.

I looked away, stifling laughter, and looked at the table. Mess was an understatement. Fish was everywhere, and still the remaining members continued to eat. I looked around to see that the place was empty.

The Akatsuki are going to be banned.

**(A/N) Just in case you didn't know, the 'nice young men in clean coats' who are coming to take Izumi away are from the song 'They're coming to Take me Away' It's about a guy who went insane. It's a creepy (but funny) song. And is it possible to be banned from a restaurant? I guess with the Akatsuki, anything's possible. Anyway, I'm sorry again for the long wait. I hope you can all forgive me and review!**


	7. Scavenger Hunt Part 1

**(A/N) Sorry for the late update! I just lost track of time! I worked hard to get this chapter up as soon as I could. I hope you enjoy!**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Dreams, thoughts, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN NARUTO! Hear that, Lawyers?!**

**Criminal Minds**

**Scavenger Hunt Pt. 1: Itachi's Underwear and ****Icha Icha Paradise**

'_In which Sakura manipulates Itachi.'_

I'm standing on a hill, looking down at a huge fire. It would have been nice had it been a campfire and not a federal offense. Naruto was standing next to me cheering, unaware that I was trying to kill him. The only thing preventing me from doing so was Itachi's arm around my waist. As I wriggled in his grasp, he only held me tighter.

"Damn you, Naruto!" I screamed. "I'll friggin' castrate you!"

Still Naruto cheered. He must have been a vegetable. How could be so oblivious to my rage? Despite my pink hair, I could be pretty scary with my temper. The fool was just not getting it.

"Where the Hell is Sasuke?!" I screamed, giving up on Naruto.

I looked around for the deserter. I was after his head, too. The bastard was going to pay.

"Settle down, Sakura," Itachi said.

He was rather calm despite the situation. That only angered me more. I didn't dare threaten him, though. That was just a death wish.

It was starting to get windy. The gusts blew ash from the fire. I was hoping that the wind would douse the flames, but I knew it was impossible. It would only spread it. Besides, the soot would still remain, forever marking this day.

"Yo."

I turned around in Itachi's grasp to see the bastard Uchiha. He came right at the peak of my animosity. I was practically breathing fire.

"_You!_" I seethed. "I'll castrate you, too!"

I struggled hard, but Itachi didn't give. Steam was now visible coming out of my ears.

"What did I do?" Sasuke asked, irked at my behavior.

He sure does know how to piss me off.

"This is your fault!"

"How is this my fault?" Sasuke asked, even more irked.

"You and your damned list!" I shouted.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," Naruto said. I didn't even notice he stopped cheering while I was shrieking at Sasuke. "I won!"

"Naruto, you are so dead!" I yelled, a new fury blooming within me. How dare he speak with such amiability when I was so teed off I'd just about throttle him!

You may be wondering what's going on. Me wanting to kill Naruto isn't an odd occurrence, but I'll catch you up anyway. It all started with a scavenger hunt…

-0-

"Hello!" I called into the large space, wondering if it would echo.

Naruto chuckled a bit tiredly and Sasuke glared.

It was nine o'clock in the morning on a Saturday and we were at the Uchiha compound. You may think that nine o'clock is way too early to be getting up on Saturdays, but there's a reason we got up so early. The house was (thankfully) free of Akatsuki. Well, except for one. But he lived there, so there's nothing I could do about it. Naruto was grumbling under his breath about how it wasn't fun without the Akatsuki. He was wearing black and red, abandoning the orange clothing he usually wore. Surprisingly, I miss it.

All in all, it was only the three of us, just like the old times.

"Please refrain from yelling in the house," Itachi said from the couch.

Okay, the _four _of us.

Before Sasuke could say anything, Naruto and I ransacked the kitchen. He watched us with a twitching eye. You know what they say. _Mi casa es tu casa_. Well, Sasuke doesn't comply to that. He has bad hospitality (which was mostly due to the fact that we eat all his food). He's usually against us coming over, but we have our ways of manipulating- I mean, _convincing _him. We always come over because his house so big.

After filling our arms with junk, Naruto and I walked into the living room and sat on the floor. I leaned my back against the couch which Itachi was sitting on, reading a book.

"There's less food than usual," Naruto said, biting down on a chip.

"I wonder why," Sasuke growled, glaring daggers at us.

"So, Sasuke, what are we gonna do?" Naruto asked, ignoring his comment.

We both already knew, so it was pointless to ask. Due to Sasuke's lack of creativity, it was the same thing every time we came over. He held up two sheets of paper.

"Scavenger hunt," he stated, giving both of us a piece of paper. "Sakura will prove she's better than you at everything, Naruto."

Said boy stuck his tongue out. Scavenger hunts sound juvenile, don't they? That's probably because Sasuke came up with the idea when we were children. Let's just say that some of the things have…_changed _since then.

"Itachi's underwear?" I read from the paper.

Sasuke shrugged. "Revenge."

I looked up at Itachi. I'd like to know what Sasuke wants revenge for.

"Rules?" I asked.

Naruto scoffed.

"Try not to kill anyone," Sasuke said, eying the two of us.

You may think that's abnormal for a scavenger hunt. But with Naruto, things can get out of hand.

"What's the time limit?" Naruto asked.

"What do you care?" I teased. "You're always late."

We stuck out our tongues at each other. Now you now why Sasuke has us do scavenger hunts all the time; we're just immature.

"Be back here by sunset with everything on the list," Sasuke answered.

"Simple enough," I said. "When do we start?"

I broke open a bag of cookies.

"Now."

Naruto immediately bolted with his bag of chips in hand. He didn't even look at his paper.

"You should check your list!" I called.

And so he did…while sprinting. The fool ran straight into the wall. I chuckled and looked down, reading mine.

_Peanut Butter_

"Only you, Sasuke," I muttered.

_Icha Icha Paradise_

_Chicken_

_Tarp_

_Leek_

_Stilts_

_Fake Moustache_

_Flamethrower_

_Reef_

_Cow_

_Mouse Trap_

_Top Hat_

_Cape_

_Itachi's Underwear_

_Scythe_

_Garbage Can_

_Tomatoes_

I felt my eye twitch. "Sasuke, let me address some of these items. First of all, how the Hell am I supposed to get Icha Icha Paradise when I'm underage?"

Sasuke snorted. "Lie."

I shivered at the thought of having buy a perverted novel. Continuing down the list, I said," By a chicken and cow, do you mean live ones?"

Sasuke nodded.

"A flamethrower?! A scythe?! Are you insane?"

"I'm sure you can find them."

I had the urge to smack him.

"You better hurry up," Sasuke stated. "Naruto was in a hurry. He might get everything before you even start."

"Yeah right," I snorted.

I started out with the easy things that I could find in the house. Sasuke always included food and animals in the hunts. The first list had cookies, chocolate, a frog, a slug, and a snake on it. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed peanut butter, a leek, and a bag of tomatoes. I didn't feel any pity for Naruto who ran before he could get anything. He gave me an advantage.

"Have any mouse traps?" I asked, setting the items on the kitchen table and grabbing a plastic bag to put them all in.

Sasuke gestured with his head in the direction of the hallway. I walked out of the kitchen and into the grand corridor, looking at the floor. Surely enough, there was a mousetrap. With a mouse in it.

"I'll go and buy one…" I said, backing up.

I headed back into the kitchen and put the food into the bag. I was stalling. The next obvious thing I could get was the one I dreaded. Itachi's underwear. Well, it wasn't the one I dreaded the most, but it was up there. When I finished putting all of the stuff in the bag, I went upstairs. I bet Itachi knew why I was going up there even though I tried to be inconspicuous. When I reached I took a deep breath. Looking down the ostentatious corridor, I tried to determine which door led to Itachi's room.

_'Please don't let him kill me,' _I begged to God, who was hopefully listening.

I tried several doors, most leading to vacant rooms. The vacant rooms were nice, though, and I had the fleeting thought of asking Sasuke if I could live there. By the seventh door, I became frustrated and slammed it shut. The house was huge; his room might not even be on this floor! Who knew getting Itachi's underwear would be such a challenge.

I finally reached the last threshold. Crossing my fingers, I turned the knob and opened the door. Walking inside, I looked around. The room was plain with only the bare essentials. I walked over to the dresser and opened the top drawer. Sure enough, there was underwear.

_'Let's just hope its Itachi's,' _I thought.

I picked up an undergarment with my forefinger and thumb and turned around. I almost had a heart attack. Itachi was standing right there, watching me with what I suppose was amusement. The first thought that came to me was _'How the Hell does he get around so quietly?'_

"Say, can I borrow this?" I said nervously.

"Of course," Itachi replied, not the least bit fazed at the sight of me holding his undergarments. "Just keep them away from Sasuke. I don't know what he has planned."

I smiled slowly. "Oh, I will. But there's a condition."

Itachi looked at me, suspicion in his dark eyes. What I was about to do could get me killed. Let me rephrase. It _will _get me killed. But I had to take advantage of this very awkward situation.

"You have to help me with the scavenger hunt."

I know what you're thinking. Back it up! Did I just ask an Akatsuki for help? You probably think something's disconnected in my brain, but I had a plan.

"I will help you in return for my underwear," Itachi said.

Wow. I didn't actually expect that to work. It made me wonder what else I could get him to do.

"Let's see what we can get." I looked at the list. "Do you have a reef?"

Itachi didn't answer. He only turned away and walked out of the room. I tucked his underwear in my pocket and followed him downstairs. Sasuke sent me a look when he saw I was with Itachi but I only smiled. We went down into the basement where I guessed the reef was. I searched the room and came across a box labeled 'Christmas'. I rooted it, in search of said reef.

After I found it, I continued down the list. I found most of the things in the basement such as a cape and top hat from one of Sasuke's Halloween costumes, a fake moustache which also belonged to Sasuke, stilts that (not surprisingly) belonged to Sasuke, and a tarp that was for a tent they never used. Outside, I grabbed one of the trashcans in the back of the house. I even found a scythe in the shed.

"I guess we'll have to leave the stuff here," I said. I didn't feel like carrying around all this junk. Especially the scythe.

I looked at the list. My eyes flashed as they fell upon the reason I asked for Itachi for help.

"How old are you?" I asked innocently.

"Eighteen," he answered.

"Good, you're legal," I said. "So you can buy dirty books, right?"

"Where are you going with this?" Itachi asked.

"Sasuke put Icha Icha on here for some reason," I said. "I need you to get it for me."

Itachi glared and I shrunk back. Mustering up my courage, I said," Do you want Sasuke to get your underwear or not?"

-0-

Picture this.

An Akatsuki, Itachi at that, in a bookstore buying an Icha Icha novel. Akatsuki, the most feared group in high school. One of its most fearsome members buying a smutty book. I would have laughed if I wasn't afraid of getting killed by Itachi.

I sat on the curb in front of the store, trying not to have hysterics as Itachi bought the book. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him, though.

"_Ahhhh!_"

I turned away from one amusing sight to be met with another. Naruto was running down the street as he was being chased by people in black shirts. On his back was a flamethrower. I should have been more concerned at that moment but I only laughed. Feeling a presence next to me, I looked up to see Itachi holding the orange novel with his thumb and forefinger.

_'He needs a bell,' _I thought, alarmed at how quiet he was.

"Here," he said, handing me the book.

"Thank you!" I cried, putting it in the plastic bag I brought. "Okay, now we need a chicken and a cow. I'm at a complete loss for those. Have any ideas?"

"Legal or illegal?" Itachi asked.

I sighed. "Do you know anyone who will be willing to lend us a chicken or cow?"

What an awkward conversation; two people trying to obtain farm animals.

"Did you say a chicken and cow?" a man asked, approaching us.

I nodded hesitantly. Iruka taught me never to talk to strangers, and this stranger was very…well, _strange_. Shocks of white hair peaked out under his blue baseball cap which shadowed his blue eyes. The wrinkles on his face and his short stature showed that he was pretty old. He had a crooked grin on his face, showing several gaps in his teeth.

"I own a farm and would be happy to lend you a cow and chicken," the man said.

I was suspicious. "At what cost?"

"I need you to help me find them first," the man said. "My animals seem to have escaped."

I looked at Itachi, but he kept his placid expression. "I guess there's no other way," I said resignedly.

The man grinned and grabbed my hand, leading me as we walked down the street. "By the way, my name is Sadao."

"Nice to meet you," I said between gritted teeth. "I'm Sakura and this is Itachi."

Sadao looked over to Itachi who was silently following us. "Oh, I know you," he said. "You're a troublemaker, you are. What is a girl like you doing with a guy like him? Surely you two aren't dating or anything."

"I asked him for help," I replied, ignoring his comment. "I'm doing a scavenger hunt."

"That seems a bit childish," he said. "But suit yourself."

As I was being dragged by the strange man, a thought suddenly hit me. I didn't know where we were going. This guy could be a murderer and taking me to a torture chamber or something. I didn't have any idea who he is and yet I let myself go with him. How gullible could I get? And what he said! That's the line child predators use to get kids do go with them. They ask you to find their lost puppy or something.

I was in deep shit.

"Calm down," Itachi said, sensing my distress. "This man isn't dangerous."

"You talkin' about me?" Sadao asked, pointing a finger at himself.

"He doesn't _seem _dangerous," I whispered to Itachi. "That's how child predators work. They act all nice to fool you and then they kill you."

"Calm down," Itachi repeated smoothly.

"This was a bad idea," I said, ignoring Itachi's words and pulling my hand out of Sadao's grasp. "We should go."

Seeing me struggle, Itachi grabbed Sadao's hand and pulled it off mine. I would have made a run for it then, but Itachi's hand replaced the old man's. His fingers tangled with mine and Sadao grinned.

"Was I making you jealous?" he asked.

Itachi gave him a hard look and Sadao immediately shut his mouth.

_'Great,' _I thought cynically, looking down at our entwined fingers. _'Now I can't escape.'_

I didn't argue or try to pull away, though. Instead, I asked," Why are you being so persistent?"

Itachi didn't respond but I already knew. He wanted to get this over with. Little did he know, I was planning to use his underwear in the future.

"We're here!" Sadao called in a sing-song voice.

I was so focused on Itachi's hand gripping mine, I didn't even notice we arrived. I looked around a little dazed and saw that we were standing in front of a farmhouse. Surrounding us was healthy looking grass that was uncommon for town. Behind the farmhouse, fences partitioned pens for different animals. Horses roamed in their pen and pigs rolled in the mud. The only strange thing was that the fences for two of the pens were destroyed.

Itachi was right. This man wasn't dangerous. He actually owned a farm. But still…

"I'm guessing that's where the chickens and cows were," I said, pointing to the mangled fences.

Sadao nodded. "The fences were already busted. I was going to get them repaired, but it was too late. They ran out of here. I need you to search for them."

I looked around and gawked. "This place is huge!"

"I know," he said proudly. "You'd better get started."

Just to make sure he wouldn't try to escape, I pulled out Itachi's underwear with my free hand and waved it in front of him.

"May I ask why you have underwear in your pocket?" Sadao asked, clearly thinking I was insane. That might just be the case.

"I use it to manipulate him," I responded with a smile.

I walked away, pulling Itachi by the hand. Sadao looked at us and grinned. I knew what he was thinking and wanted to wipe that grin off his face.

"We are not dating, dammit!"

-0-

"Come back here, you squirt!"

Naruto ran as fast as his legs could carry him. The flamethrower was slowing him down, but there was no way he was leaving it behind. He had worked too hard; he wasn't just going to abandon it. The kleptomaniac had stolen it from Till Lindemann and was now running from his security. He had to get back to Sasuke's house where it was safe.

Dodging pedestrians, Naruto sprinted down the streets. He eventually lost the angry mob in the throng of people. He was in the clear for now. Just to be safe, he ran down alleys that people wouldn't dare tread.

"Hey, is that you, Naruto?"

Said boy skidded to a halt and turned around to see Hidan. He had gotten to know the Akatsuki well, and was pretty close with him.

"Hey!" Naruto called, walking up to the Akatsuki who was leaning against a wall.

"Why do you have a flamethrower?" Hidan asked. He wasn't surprised, though. The kid had a knack for obtaining strange items.

"It's for a scavenger hunt," Naruto said with a grin.

He unconsciously aimed the igniter at Hidan.

"Watch where you're pointing that thing!" he said, pushing the igniter down carefully. "What asshole came up with this?"

"Sasuke."

"Of course," Hidan muttered. Inspiration suddenly hit him. "Hey kid, I got an idea."

Naruto leaned in close conspiratorially. He knew if Hidan had an idea, it was probably illegal and fun.

"Here's the plan…"

**(A/N) Till Lindemann is the lead singer of Rammstein, a German metal band. He often uses flamethrowers in his concerts for special effects. Now hopefully you get that little joke.**

**I'm…so…tired. I consumed three pounds of candy just to get this finished.**

**-Falls asleep-**

**Naruto: -poke- I think she's dead. I guess I'll have to do the review thingy! Review for a flamethrower!**


	8. Scavenger Hunt Part 2

**(A/N) Oh my God. I left the review prize up to Naruto. What did he offer you?**

**Naruto: A flamethrower!**

**That explains all of the s'mores. Anyway, I had my energy back after my candy eating binge and started typing this chapter up. And then I got sick. Sucks huh? Of course I had other things to worry about on top of that. My uncle was in the hospital and we are a very close-knit family, so I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. He's okay now, but we're just waiting for everything to be cleared up. Another family matter is my aunt's breast cancer (which my family failed to tell me about directly until three months after they found out about it). **

**And on top of **_**that **_**I have to deal with egotistical and arrogant assholes who think they can do whatever they want, and I swear to God I'm about to kill them for taunting my friend as if they are better than him. Then they decide to turn on me when I came to his defense and called me a 'bully'. The sad thing is, I haven't done anything to make these enemies except ignore them. They talk about me as if I can't hear them, so of course I have to say something. Then they practically blow a head gasket and explode with swears.**

**I also have to deal with backstabbing friends who I would've given my life for saying that I abandoned them. One thing I hate is being betrayed, but saying that I left them is flat out disrespectful and ignorant. I've had it up to here with faux friends who claim they will be there for you and then leave you in order to fit in. **

**As you can probably tell, I'm bitter, angry, and exhausted. This is just too much drama and honestly, I can do without it. I'm sick of 'yes people' who conform to the chauvinistic jerks just so they feel they belong (one in particular). Day by day I'm finding that humans are so petty and untrustworthy. I'm slowly losing my faith and becoming more cynical by the day. I have to thank the people who stay by me, though.**

**I know you probably hate me for not updating in so long, and I'd probably hate me, too. I assure you, though, I'll try to get my updates up sooner (but that's not a lot, coming from me).**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Dreams, thoughts, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. It all belongs to a genius with a higher IQ than I.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Scavenger Hunt Part 2: Cow Ghosts and Soap Operas**

'_In which Sasuke's secret is revealed.'_

"Moo! _Moooo_! C'mon, you stinking farm animals!"

I stomped my foot in frustration. The livestock looked up from their grazing to stare at me. After they saw I was just a foolish human making a scene, they returned to their feasting. Sighing in defeat, I fell to my knees. Melodramatic, I know, but I couldn't help myself.

"You don't sound _anything _like a cow. As a matter of fact, you are a disgrace to farm animals _everywhere_."

In the futile position, I turned to glare at Sadao who was grinning like a fool. The old man was becoming frustrating beyond belief. He was tailing me as I investigated the farm, commenting on everything I did. He thought he was 'helping'.

"Well you don't seem like a farmer, what with losing your animals," I shot back.

"You don't seem like a girlfriend, what with losing your boyfriend," Sadao retorted.

I groaned and said," Itachi is not my boyfriend! And I didn't lose him, I…._misplaced_ him."

"Because there's a difference," the old man said mockingly.

He was right, but my pride wouldn't let me admit it. I lost Itachi after I disentangled our hands; it was getting too awkward for me. We separated on the farm as we searched for the MIA cow and chicken. I had lost sight of the Akatsuki and was about to rip my hair out. Now I need to find both the animals _and _Itachi.

"Why did you stop mooing?" Sadao asked exasperatedly. "You have to find the cow!"

Pushing myself up from the ground, I turned to him threateningly. I prepared to punch him straight across the jaw, but thought better of it. No matter how infuriating he was, it's because of him I might actually kick Naruto's ass in this scavenger hunt _and _maintain my sanity. Sighing again, I walked over toward the forest, Sadao following close behind.

"You shouldn't go in there!" he called.

I turned on my heel. "And why not?" I seethed, practically breathing fire.

"There are ghosts," Sadao said in all seriousness.

I stared blankly at him for a moment and then regained my composure. I glared so hard my eyes were practically popping out of my head. "Of all the…"

"It's true!" he insisted, about to go into hysterics. "When animals die, their spirits enter the forest. They're usually malevolent, too."

_'I wonder why?' _I thought sardonically.

"What harm can a cow ghost do?" I asked instead.

Sadao shrugged. "Dunno. Never been in there."

I gave a cry of frustration. This man was going to be the death of me. Ignoring his pleas, I walked into the thicket, leaving him to stand there anxiously. There was nothing strange about it at all. The trees towered above my head just as they should, their leaves extending from sinuous branches. The foliage that had fallen cracked beneath my feet and the birds sang as they always do. Hopefully, I might find Itachi and the animals in here.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," I called. "Moo?"

I walked further into the copse, looking around carefully. It was surprisingly thick, the trees gathered close together. I regretted wearing shorts even though it was a relatively warm day. I managed to get a few scrapes from the brambles underfoot and my leg brushed against a rather large thorn. The lesion was deep and long. I cursed lightly as blood trickled down my calf. There weren't any malevolent spirits, but there sure as Hell were malevolent plants. After that I treaded prudently, looking out for any sharp branches and barbs.

"Moo…" I called out again, slightly limping because of the injury.

I listened for an answer, but when it came, it wasn't a cow.

"I doubt the animal will respond."

I bristled at the voice, standing painstakingly straight.

"Are you happy now?" I asked, livid. "You've managed to give me two heart attacks in one day."

I turned around to come face-to-face with Itachi. The Akatsuki was unscathed, and I hated him for it. How did he manage to not get scratched in this forest? My mood darkened considerably.

"You cut yourself," he stated bluntly, ignoring my comment.

"That's beside the point!" I fumed, rubbing my temples. "Between you and Sadao, I'm going to get an ulcer."

Itachi bent down to look at my leg, studying the the abrasion. I rolled my eyes exasperatedly until he stood and picked me up bridal style.

"Is this necessary?!" I cried, writhing in his firm grasp.

"The wound is deep," Itachi said, walking to the edge of the forest. "It'll become infected if not treated."

"It's just a scratch," I muttered, finally settling in his arms.

I carefully wrapped my arms around his neck all the while wondering why he was doing this. Didn't he want to finish this as soon as possible? If so, then why was he carrying me back?

"Mooooo…"

Itachi continued to walk, ignoring the sound. I, however, turned to stone. The call was long and drawn out, almost a whisper. The forest suddenly became intimidating, assuming a nightmarish quality. The trees were now too tall and the foliage was too thick.

"Mooooo!"

This time it was louder. I looked around frantically. Maybe Sadao was right. What if there were ghosts in this forest? I shook my head, clearing those ridiculous thoughts. There is no way I'm going to believe that senile old man! There was a slight rustle of leaves and I jumped, tightening my grasp around Itachi's neck so much I feared I might be choking him.

"Did you hear that?!" I whispered urgently.

Itachi continued to walk, clearly unfazed by the noise (and my arms crushing his throat). Now I was terrified. Even though I told Sadao I wasn't afraid of the spirit of a cow, I was truly scared. It wasn't because I thought the ghost would hurt me, but the fact that there was actually a ghost gave me the creeps.

"I said 'moooo'!"

At that, I became confused. I was thoroughly puzzled now. Can cows talk? What was going on? Another rustle sounded and a small, fluffy cow walked out in front of us. It had an abnormally large head and it didn't seem to fit quite right with the rest of the body. The cow was upright and had its arms crossed. Upon seeing it, I knew it was a hoax. There was somebody walking around in a cow costume; they probably just escaped from the funny farm, too.

"Whoever you are, please drop the act," I said, my eye slightly twitching.

"I'm a cow! Moooo!"

That only made it more obvious. I unhooked my arms from around Itachi's neck and squirmed, signaling to him that I wanted to be let down. Reluctantly, he stopped walking and let me down gently. I walked up to the 'cow', still limping because of my injury. It stung from the contact with air and I hissed, sucking in air between clenched teeth. Reaching the small 'cow', I took off the head (or rather, hood) and revealed a young boy. He had strange white eyes and chocolate brown hair that was matted to his forehead from the heat of the costume. He looked to be about ten years old.

"Okay, who are you?" I asked impatiently.

"My name's Tonsou Hyuga," the boy said reluctantly, finally realizing he had been figured out.

He took off the cow costume, leaving it forgotten on the forest ground.

"Okay, Tonsou, just what are you doing here?" I asked.

I didn't the time to deal with little kids who goofed off all the time. I already have Naruto.

He scuffed his shoe against the ground. "I kinda ran away."

I sighed. "Why?" I asked, kneeling so I was at the boy's height.

Tonsou crossed his arms and turned away indignantly. "Why do you want to know?"

"You frickin scared me half to death!" I yelled, a vein in my head surfacing. Birds that had settled in nearby trees fluttered away in fear.

"I…I'm s-sorry," he said, alarmed at my anger.

Sighing again, I reiterated," So why'd you run away?"

"My father's a big meanie! He's too strict!"

The boy was just about to blow a head gasket. His outburst caused several more birds to become airborne in order to find a safer perch. I heard Itachi's footsteps coming closer to us.

"The Hyuga clan is a very prosperous family, just like the Uchiha were," Itachi said from behind me. "They own a successful enterprise. Naturally, it calls for a strict upbringing of their heirs."

I nodded in understanding. So Tonsou ran away because of the pressure. I didn't blame him; I would've done the same thing. Standing up, I turned and grabbed Itachi's hand, pulling him till we were a safe distance away from the absconder.

"What should we do with him?" I asked in a whisper.

"Deliver him home safely."

Tonsou overheard us despite our hushed tones, and cried," But I don't wanna go home!"

I walked back over to him and patted his head. "Don't worry, you don't have to go home," I said, lying through my teeth. He couldn't tell, though, and was rather enthused.

"Now, I have one more question," I said, and when he nodded, continued," Why in God's name were you wearing a cow costume?"

Tonsou grinned. "To scare the old man that owns this farm. He thinks there are ghosts in here."

This child was officially my idol.

"Why are you torturing him?" I asked, though I didn't have anything against it.

He grinned. "It's fun. Hey, I also stole his chickens and cows."

After the initial shock wore off, I asked," Did you mangle the fence?"

He nodded with great pride. It seems I have another kleptomaniac on my hands.

"Where are they?"

He pointed west and I sprinted in that direction like the devil was after me. I no longer cared about the thorns; I only wanted to end this stupid scavenger hunt. I neared a clearing after two minutes of running and saw a cow tied to a tree and a chicken in a cage. The cow munched contentedly at the grass and the chicken pecked at the floor of its cage. Tonsou and Itachi came up behind me.

"Can I take them off your hands?" I asked the boy.

"What's in it for me?" he asked, a wicked smile gracing his features.

I thought for a moment, and then said," You don't have to go home."

This time, I was telling the truth. I would've given an arm and a leg for these animals.

He grinned and shook my hand saying," You've got a deal!"

I untied the cow and Itachi picked up the cage. I yanked at the rope tied around the cow's neck, but the animal wouldn't budge. Who knew cows could be as stubborn as mules? Maybe I should start calling Sasuke a cow instead of an ass.

"C'mon, you stupid farm animal!"

Tonsou came over to me and the cow with that wolfish grin of his and gave the animal a firm slap on the rear. The poor thing bolted with me stumbling after it, holding on to the rope for dear life. How on earth could such a large animal be so fast? In a matter of seconds, we were out of the forest and back to where the pens were. Sadao was standing there and watched as the cow dragged me across the expanse of land; I couldn't even spare him a wave (or another hand gesture). Eventually, the cow calmed and stood still, leaning down to continue eating.

Itachi and Tonsou came out of the forest a while after. I glared at the boy but he only grinned.

"Okay, Sadao, I found your animals," I said to the smiling man. He ran over and hugged the beast that had dragged me across his farm. "I'll give them back as soon as I can."

"Of course, of course," he said, in complete rapture.

He climbed onto the cow's back like a child on a kiddy ride in front of a grocery store. The cow didn't seem disturbed at all and continued to devour the poor blades of grass.

"Do you have any bandages?" Itachi asked, referring to my profusely bleeding leg. He placed the cage next to the feasting cow.

Sadao seemed to notice my cut for the first time and muttered," In the kitchen."

I had a feeling that he liked animals more than humans, but kept it to myself. We walked into the house and I had the urge to do sabotage it. We were in the grandiose living room that made the farmhouse seem incongruous with the actual farm. My conscience wouldn't allow me to lower myself to the Akatsuki's level, however, so I kept my hands behind my back so as not to break one of his charming crystal figurines. In the kitchen, Itachi lifted me up onto the counter and went to search for a medical kit.

"Ew, that's looks nasty," Tonsou said, looking at my leg with a grimace. "Can I touch it?"

"You are a sick child," I said, shaking my head in vexation.

He shrugged and walked away as I lifted my leg to look at the abrasion. It was like an overly dramatized wound from a slasher movie, and I turned away with a shudder, willing Itachi to hurry up with the bandages. Tonsou came back over to the counter and reached out to touch the cut.

"Why are you here, anyway?" I asked impatiently as I swatted his hand away. "Aren't you going to stay in the woods?"

"I'm not a lost boy," he said, referring to Peter Pan. "Besides, you said I didn't have to go home. I don't have anywhere to go."

I didn't know what to do with the kid. I don't want to bring him home with me since Iruka's house is already becoming an orphanage; any more children and he'll be on welfare. I wouldn't want to burden Itachi, either. He already has to take care of Sasuke on his own.

"I'll take him," Itachi said, coming back over to the counter with a small white box in his hand.

He went over to the sink and got a washcloth to wipe the blood off of my leg.

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying not to look at the bloody rag. "I think there's something terribly wrong with this kid. I mean, we found him in a cow costume for God's sake."

"As Tonsou said, he has nowhere to go," he responded, putting court plaster on the cut. "I can take care of him until he wants to return home."

"And what if he doesn't?" I asked, looking at Tonsou who was filling up a latex glove he had gotten from the first aid kit with water.

"He's only a child," Itachi said, finishing up. "He'll eventually become homesick."

I doubted his words, but didn't press the subject (even though the fact that he might become friends with the Akatsuki when they came over frightened me). I jumped off of the counter and walked back outside. Sadao reluctantly let go of the cow and I grabbed the rope, Itachi taking the chicken. This time the beast decided to comply with me and Itachi and I walked away from the farm with Tonsou in toe.

"Where are we going?" he asked, latex glove in hand. I desperately wanted to know who he was going to throw it at.

"We're going to Itachi's house to hand in all of the scavenger hunt stuff," I replied, keeping a wary eye on the glove.

"Scavenger hunt?"

"Yeah, it's why we wanted the cow and chicken in the first place. If we hurry up, we might be able to win."

But that was now the least of my concerns. The only thing I was worried about was returning with my sanity intact. I looked up at the sky and saw that it was a meek blue. The sun was easy to look at, the flames on its surface dulling to a soft hue. It was almost twilight.

"We have to hurry," I said, running into the nearest convenient store to buy a mousetrap.

I walked back out to find a rich looking man in an expensive suit soaked with water. He had the most unpleasant look on his face and I had the urge to laugh. Looking around, I spotted Itachi standing near an alley.

"Okay, where did the brat go?" I asked him.

"He went to find another water balloon."

On cue, the Hyuga walked out of the alley with an actual water balloon in hand (God only knows where he had gotten it). He hid it behind his back, though it was rather conspicuous. I sighed, wondering how on earth Itachi would handle this kid. He would surely unleash the fury of Hell unto the Uchiha household.

"Are you sure about keeping him?" I asked Itachi once more.

I didn't know why I was so concerned about it. Perhaps I didn't want anyone, even an Akatsuki, to have to deal with Satan's child. When he walked over to us, I checked his head for any demonic numbers. He gave me a curious look and I released his cranium without finding the triple sixes.

"I'm sure."

-0-

Hidan was a genius. At least in Naruto's mind. One wouldn't think the crude Akatsuki capable of acquiring knowledge, much less assimilating enough to be considered a genius. Yet, here was the blond delinquent calling him such. In his warped and misguided view, his plan was perfect.

But they couldn't do anything just yet. They needed one specific person to help carry out this 'mission' of theirs.

"I'm in, un."

Of course Deidara couldn't resist the chance to wreak some mayhem. He had to agree with Naruto, Hidan's plan was ingenious. Tobi also decided to tag along, though he'd be of little use. So they began their trek to the abandoned hangar (otherwise known as their next target). However, Naruto had something to attend to first.

"I have to stop at Sasuke's to give him the stuff," he said out of the blue.

Hidan gave a groan at the mention of the Uchiha's name and Deidara said," Make sure you keep the flamethrower, un."

Naruto nodded and rushed over to the Uchiha complex where Sasuke would be. When he entered, said boy was sitting on the couch, watching a soap opera. Yes, a soap opera. Naruto made sure to be quiet (which was an accomplishment for him) and snuck up behind his friend.

"Wow, Sasuke, I didn't know you were _that _gay," Naruto said, making Sasuke jump.

The bowl popcorn that was on his lap flew up into the air and landed on the ground. Sasuke snatched the remote and turned the television off, at the same time glaring at Naruto.

"What are you doing here?" he growled, a slight blush on his cheeks.

Naruto beamed, turning around to show him the flamethrower strapped to his back. "I finished."

Sasuke was startled; he didn't think either of them would complete the hunt. He made that list in hopes that he could watch his soaps alone; that's why he came up with the scavenger hunt, ever since he was little. He always put on difficult things to make sure they wouldn't come back early and catch him watching soaps.

"Let's make sure you have everything," Sasuke said, rather skeptical that Naruto had acquired all of the things on the list.

The first thing Naruto gave him was Icha Icha Paradise. He lifted his eyebrow and waved it in front of him.

"Oh, I got that from Ero-sennin!" the blond klepto said triumphantly.

Jiraiya (otherwise known as Ero-sennin) was Naruto's tutor and the author of the smutty novels. The boy had a break with that one. Sasuke went through everything but found two things from the list were missing.

"What about the cow and chicken?" he asked.

Naruto scratched the back of his head and smiled. "I couldn't get them. But I'll make it up to you!"

"This better be good," he mumbled, not wanting to deal with Naruto's antics while his soap was on.

"It is, it is!" he said, nodding his head fervently, making Sasuke wonder how long it will be until it finally came flying off his neck. "Hidan came up with a brilliant plan!"

"That's unexpected," he said, his hand twitching. He desperately wanted to grab the remote and turn his soap back on.

"You can come with us!" Naruto said, grabbing the remote and taunting Sasuke with it.

"You know I hate the Akatsuki," he said, reaching for his precious remote.

"Then you don't have to do anything with them," he replied, raising the remote high so Sasuke would have to reach for it. The Uchiha wasn't about to debase himself like that, and refrained from leaping up.

"Fine, just give me the damn remote!" Sasuke fumed, giving in.

Naruto beamed and placed the remote in Sasuke's waiting palm. "Then let's go!" he said, pulling Sasuke out of the comfort of his home.

"But what about my soap?!"

-0-

**(A/N) The secret is revealed! Sasuke comes up with scavenger hunts so he can watch his soaps! Don't worry, just because he watches soaps doesn't means he's gay, so calm down Sasuke lovers. He just enjoys a little melodrama. Oh yeah, Tonsou means 'escape'. That ends our Japanese lesson for the day. There was a little The Omen joke in there. So, review for tomatoes to throw at me.**

**Hidan: This chapter sucked monkey balls. May Jashin damn you to the underworld. This is probably the best written flame ever, so you'd better appreciate my spelling and grammar. And also, kiss my ass you -censor- mother -censor-. You can -censor- my -censor- with -censor- -censor-. Now give me my tomatoes.**

**Wow. He's right. That is the best spelling in a flame I have ever seen. But I'm giving these tomatoes to Sasu-teme, since he loves them so much.**

**Hidan: Damn you, you -censor-…**


	9. Scavenger Hunt Part 3

**(A/N) I got this up as soon as I can. My life is getting better (thank goodness for friends and Red Bull). My cynicism has passed since I am reminded not only of my faith in God but that not all people are horrible. There's not much to say so, enjoy!**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: Dreams, thoughts, flashbacks, emphasis.**_

**Disclaimer: I still do not own Naruto, despite my attempts. That isn't the best thing to say in a disclaimer, though.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Scavenger Hunt Part 3: Two Deadly Women and Three Stooges**

'_In which we learn not to fear gangs. They're just like us…only dumber and with fewer teeth.'_

"Wow!"

Tonsou was clearly impressed by the Uchiha compound. He stood gaping, looking around frantically. We walked into Itachi's house and while the Hyuga bounced up and down on the couch, I looked for Sasuke. Unfortunately, after a half hour of searching, I discovered he was MIA. I looked in every part of the house and yet there was no sign of him.

"Damn him," I growled, walking back into the living room.

"It seems Naruto was already here," Itachi said. He lifted up a bag filled with junk.

"So that means you lost," Tonsou said. "Well that sucks."

I nodded and sighed. "It's strange though. I thought Naruto would stay to gloat but both he and Sasuke are gone."

I mulled over this while Itachi watched me with a slightly amused expression. But of course the stoic Akatsuki can never show such emotion so I was probably mistaken. Snapping my fingers, I finally came to a conclusion. They ditched us.

"Oh well," Tonsou said, clearly not concerned about such an issue.

He walked over to the television and turned it on, grimacing when he saw that it was a soap opera. He quickly turned the channel to watch a stereotypical action cartoon where the good guys always win and the bad guys want to take over the world.

"What should we do?" Itachi asked.

I sighed again and said," Let's go and look for them."

I really didn't want to search for the renegades but I had to kick their asses. So, we walked out of the Uchiha manor and onto the silent streets of Konoha. There were less people on the sidewalks now that it was darker and I was glad for I smelled like a farm.

"Why are you coming along?" I asked Tonsou, who had filled up yet another water balloon. God only knows where he obtained that one.

He shrugged and said," Bored."

"Yes, just like every adolescent on the face of God's green earth," I muttered. Seriously, that answer irked me more than I can ever say. It was Naruto's excuse whenever he did something stupid.

We trekked through the great town of Konoha, looking for a glimpse of orange and black without much success. I could feel the rage building within me. Those two were going to pay for their abandonment! After all I had done they decided to up and leave! I felt like a puppy that was left behind because its owners couldn't take it with them when they moved. Itachi abruptly stopped as I fumed, and because he was in front of me, I bumped right into him.

"Can you at least give a warning?" I asked rubbing my smarting nose. "You know, maybe a whistle or a shout."

"Stay here," was all Itachi said.

He walked down a side street and I sat on a bench placed in front of a store called 'Yumei's Weapon Shoppe'. I didn't know if it was safe or not, but I needed to rest my feet from all of the walking I had done; scavenger hunts can wear you out. The bell above the door rang as it opened and a man walked out with a mace. I stilled as he walked past, holding my breath. Tonsou was rather amused and grinned at the sight of the weapon. I wondered if it was even legal to carry such a thing. Before I could stand and run for my life, a girl about my age walked out of the store. When she saw me, she grinned and grabbed my hand, pulling me into the store. Tonsou followed, enthused at the turn of events.

"Mom, I brought another customer!" the girl called as I tried to pull my hand out of her vise-like grip. Damn this girl was strong! She had muscles _on _her muscles.

"Tenten, she's just a teenager," a woman said, walking out from another room and wiping her hands with a rag. She had brown hair, just like the other girl (presumably Tenten) and was even more muscular. She had a fierce and stern look in her eyes that was enough to put the fear of God in me.

"So am I," she said, smirking.

The two seemed to have a glaring contest and Tenten's grip around my wrist tightened. Why me? I didn't do anything except sit down to rest and now my wrist's circulation is being cut off by a crazy girl. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit overdramatic, but still.

"Um, don't I have any say in this?" I asked nervously.

"Of course!" Tenten shouted, not removing her hand. "Would you like a sword, shuriken, dagger, or a mace, perhaps?"

"That's not what I meant," I muttered.

The woman laughed, a twinkle in her fierce brown eyes, and said," Let the poor girl go before you cut off her circulation."

_'Trust me, that ship has sailed,' _I thought bitterly.

Tenten let go and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

"It's okay," I said, tears welling up in my eyes. "But you're pretty strong."

The woman laughed again. "That's my daughter for you."

Tenten laughed, too. "Let me introduce myself," she said. "I'm Tenten and this is my mother, Yumei."

"What's your surname?" I asked. Usually when people give their introductions, they state their surnames, too.

Yumei snorted, picking up a vicious looking dagger and wiping it with her rag. "Surnames are unnecessary. You can identify us by our weapons."

Tenten nodded in agreement. These two seemed a bit eccentric, but when you've lived with Naruto for most of your life it's refreshing.

"So I'm guessing you own this place," I said, looking around.

There were katanas, maces, bludgeons, bows, and arrows in glass cases on the walls. Daggers and short swords were in a glass container underneath the counter which looked like a giant block of wood. It was marred by both time and weapons. I suspected there were more weapons in the back.

"How did you get a lease?" I asked with a bit of sardonism.

Yumei grinned wolfishly. "Do you know who Tsunade is?" I shook my head and she continued. "Well, she's a powerful woman, that's for sure, though she prefers skin over steel. She helped us get in a good word with Mayor Sarutobi because she took a liking to us…and here we are!"

I only smiled and nodded, wondering if the mayor was just as insane as his son. Forget the mayor; it's that Tsunade I have to worry about.

"Ooh, shiny," Tonsou said, his face against the glass. "I want it!"

His eyes were glued to a katana.

_'Great,' _I thought. _'If he lops his own head off, he'll never go home.'_

"Sure, little man!" Tenten said, walking over to the boy with a key in her hand.

"Isn't he a bit too young?" I asked, my eye twitching.

"Sweetie, the first time I held a weapon was when I was three," Yumei said, twirling the dagger like a baton and planting it firmly in the wood. "If anything, your brother is too old."

I looked over to the white-eyed boy with his chocolate brown hair and studied my own reflection in the glass cases. Pink hair and green eyes. How could she mistake us for siblings?

"He's isn't my brother. We're not even related."

_'And thank God,' _I silently added.

"What's his name?" Tenten asked, opening the case.

She handed Tonsou the katana. He slid it out of its scabbard and inspected it with awe-filled eyes. After swinging it around a couple of times (and almost shattering the glass), Tenten took it from the manic boy and put it back in the case. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Damien," I replied on instinct before I could stop myself.

The two looked at me as if I had just sprouted wings. _'Hey,' _I wanted to say_,' you guys are the ones with a weapon shop.'_

"I didn't think that anyone would name their child that after The Omen," Yumei said.

I tittered, but Tonsou continued to press his face up against the glass. I was getting a bit nervous being surrounded by all of these weapons, even if they were in glass cases. A pregnant silence settled between us, only interrupted by Tonsou's occasional 'ooh' and 'ah'.

"You never told us your name," Yumei said, successfully breaking the silence.

"Oh, uh, Sakura Haruno," I said, wondering if it was such a great idea to be telling these people my name.

"You know, you seem familiar," Tenten said, walking over to the counter.

"If you go to Konoha High, then you've probably seen me around," I replied, shifting from foot to foot.

"Yeah, that's it. You're an Akatsuki, right?"

"Wait, what?" I stammered, my eyes bulging out of their sockets. As you can see, I was pretty shocked.

"I always see you with them," she said.

Before I could reply, another voice that didn't belong to Tenten or Yumei cut in.

"I know where Sasuke and Naruto are."

I bristled, my eye twitching.

"Okay, Itachi, let's make that _three _heart attacks."

I turned around with the intention of punching him, but thought better of it. I kept on forgetting that he was an Akatsuki and I should watch my step. So, instead, I wondered how I could not have heard him come in. There was a bell over the door that was pretty hard to miss. He either climbed in through the window (which I seriously doubt) or I was too shocked by Tenten's statement to hear the bell.

"Where are they?" I asked, but Itachi just walked out of the store, Tonsou following.

"I guess I should get going," I said with a sigh. "I'll see you around."

"Make sure to come back again," Yumei called as I walked out of the door.

_'Yeah, when Itachi cracks a joke,' _I thought.

I walked down the sidewalk with the Grim Reaper and Satan's Child, trying to cool off. She thought I was Akatsuki! Last I checked I didn't always wear black and red. I _did _pull that prank with the Akatsuki, though. But that was only once! Besides, they're stalking me! It's not my fault I have classes with them and Naruto is with them.

"Where are we going?" I asked, trying to elicit an answer from the Grim Reaper.

"They're at an abandoned hangar near the edge of town."

When he said that, I knew it was something bad.

-0-

The plan began with an explosion.

"What the hell was that?!" a guard exclaimed.

He was new and this was his first time on the job. The hangar he was guarding was abandoned long ago and after the transference it became prone to vandalism and fights (mostly due to the group called Akatsuki). Even with this knowledge, it surprised him when he heard the detonation.

He walked from his post in front of the door to where he heard the explosion. He was the only one on duty that night and cursed his superiors for making it so. He didn't want to deal with a wackjob alone. There was another explosion and he quickened his pace. The hangar was located near the edge of town, away from civilization; he would immediately spot the person who was the cause of the detonations and escort him or her off the premises. It was dark, however, so he might have a more difficult time.

"Whoever you are, come out with your hands up!" the guard called, pulling out his gun.

"Okay, un," a disembodied voice said.

Immediately after, a blond boy walked out of the shadows, hands above his head.

"I'm afraid I'll have to arrest you," the guard said as the hand that held his gun shook. He was unnerved by the boy's broad smile.

"For what, un?" the blond asked innocently.

"The explosions," the guard replied sternly, regaining his composure.

"But how do you know it was me, un?" the blond asked.

He was enjoying this and the guard could tell that he was going to evade his questions. He was getting irked by this boy.

"You are the only person around," he sad through gritted teeth.

"Hm," the boy said contemplatively. "How come you're going to arrest me, un? I didn't hurt anyone."

"You are causing a disturbance and trespassing on government property," the guard said. "Now what is your name and what are you doing here?"

"The name's Deidara and as for what I'm doing here…I'm creating art, un."

As he said that, another explosion sounded and smoke emitted in between the two. The guard jumped back, coughing. Deidara grinned, thinking of how easy this was going to be. As a matter of fact, he wouldn't mind being the decoy once in a while.

-0-

"Naruto, hurry your ass up!" Hidan called to the blond lugging the flamethrower.

"Sorry, this thing is heavy!" he whined. It felt as if his back was being crushed by a boulder. Who knew flamethrowers could be so weighty.

"Tobi can carry it!"

Naruto hugged his flamethrower possessively as the Akatsuki grabbed for it. It may be killing his back, but it was his and he was not letting go of it. They were walking through the large hangar, avoiding cobwebs and whatever vermin that were scurrying between their feet.

"Tobi doesn't like this place!" the boy cried, skipping around like an imbecile as he tried to avoid stepping on a rat.

"Would you shut your fucking mouth?!" Hidan yelled.

"Hidan's being louder than Tobi," he said, sticking out his tongue.

Grumbling under his breath, Hidan continued to walk. They were almost at the meeting place. Just as he was about to stop walking, an obnoxious voice that didn't belong to Tobi or Naruto rang throughout the vacated building.

"Where are the others?"

Hidan snorted. "We don't need any others to take care of your sorry asses."

There was discontented muttering and three forms emerged from the shadows. They had a gait akin to that of a mentally challenged person, one hand flailing at their side and the other grabbing their crotch. As their appearances became less obscure, the saying 'a face only a mother could love' took on a whole new meaning. The worst thing, though, was the fact that they were chewing gum. Spit flew everywhere as they smacked their gum, a nauseating clicking noise sounding every time their tongues and the roof of their mouth came in contact with the wad.

"This is the Ketsueki?" Naruto asked disbelievingly.

Hidan had told him that they were one of the most fearsome gangs in Konoha. Their name even means 'blood' for God's sake. But this…

"Damn straight," the one with buckteeth said. "And who are ya?"

"Naruto Uzumaki," he stated proudly, wiping spit from his face.

"What's he got on his back, boss?" a stout, squat man with dreadlocks asked a very tall and awkward man with crossed eyes.

"Dunno," he said, squinting. "Whaddya think, Ugu?"

The first one who spoke tapped a finger to his chin as if musing the meaning of life.

"His name is 'Ugu'?" Naruto said in astonishment, wondering what he had gotten himself into. He felt as if he had stepped into The Twilight Zone.

"So here's the deal," Hidan said, bringing everyone back to attention. "You either give us the money or we torch this sucker to the ground." He motioned to the flamethrower for effect.

"What money?" the gawky one asked with a sniff, smacking away on his immense gob of gum.

"Don't play dumb," he replied, though it wasn't the best choice of words to use while addressing the three stooges. "The money you stole from Kakuzu."

"I do not recall ever stealin' that bastard's money on Friday at seven o' clock p.m. in front of the convenience store on seventh street, right next to the car wash," he said.

All of their eyes twitched at his statement, which pretty much gave him away.

"Well maybe I should jog your memory," Hidan said, cracking both his knuckles and neck.

"Bring it, Ponyboy," Gawky said, waving his fingers.

"Ponyboy?" Naruto asked, turning to Tobi.

The boy only shrugged his shoulders as Hidan pulled back his arm and thrust it at Gawky's face.

"Owie," Gawky said, bouncing back.

Hidan aimed another one to his face, and Naruto winced as the fist collided with his nose.

"That's gotta hurt," he said and Tobi nodded.

"It does," he said, rubbing his nose.

Once again, Hidan punched him, but this time it was hard enough to make him fall to the ground. Even then, he got back up.

"That's not nice," he whined.

By then, his face was smarting and red. Bruises were already beginning to form.

"Just give me the damn money!" Hidan said, his eye twitching. What was up with this guy?

"Now way, man," he said.

Hidan pulled back his arm again like a catapult preparing to launch its load, only to have Naruto grab onto it.

"Maybe we should just torch the place," he suggested.

With a frustrated sigh, he yanked his arm from the blond's grip. Kakuzu was going to kill him for not getting his money back, but that was his problem. The avaricious glutton was just going to have to learn how to handle his own problems.

"Let's go," Hidan said.

They turned away and began walking away from the group. Gawky, who had closed his eyes while bracing himself for the next hit, opened one eye.

"Where ya goin'?" Squatty asked.

"I told you, if you didn't give us the money, I was going to torch the place," Hidan said nonchalantly.

There were snorts from the incredulous Ketsueki. "Yeah right," They said in unison.

"One word," Hidan said, holding up his middle finger. "Gasoline."

They furrowed their eye brows, the smacking of their gum ceasing. They all wondered the same thing. What the Hell did he mean? The three Akatsuki walked away, leaving the three stooges to contemplate the meaning of his words. That is, until, Gawky spoke up.

"Hey, do you smell smoke?"

The three exchanged looks.

"Crap."

-0-

**(A/N) Sucks for them. Japanese lesson! Ugu means stupid and ignorant. When Gawky wouldn't go down, it reminded me of Sarah Byrnes from Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes (one of the greatest books ever). So that was kind of my inspiration. Anyway, expect the next chapter soon (at least I hope). I went on a writing binge and already have it typed up. There's not much to say about this so review for gum. Don't worry, it wasn't in any of the three stooges mouths.**


	10. Scavenger Hunt Part 4

**(A/N) Sorry for the late update. I lost track of time. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. My sadism shines through here…**

**Notes:**

_**Italics: **_**Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Rammstein, The Omen, Annie, or any other copyrighted franchises mentioned in this fiction.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Scavenger Hunt Part Four: Removing Genitalia and Pink Buttons**

'_In which we learn that there's no avoiding the Akatsuki…so you can fogettaboutit.'_

-0-

I silently followed Itachi while listening to Tonsou talk about action figures or whatnot. I didn't really notice exactly what it was because I was too busy trying to elicit answers from the Grim Reaper.

"What are they up to?" I asked exasperatedly.

Itachi only continued to walk, ignoring my desperate pleas. We were nearing Konoha's border and it was growing darker by the minute. Stars lit up the night sky as if guiding the three of us to our destination. Soon enough it will be too dark to see. Sighing, I wondered what Naruto and Sasuke were doing for Itachi was clearly not going to give in any time soon.

"Oh my God, the moron has a flamethrower," I cried, gripping my pink tresses in panic. "And Sasuke is a jackass with no morals. They could be holding up a convenience store for all I know!"

"They're at a hangar," Itachi reminded me.

I reassessed my theory. While doing so, my olfactory senses kicked into gear as a harsh smell wafted through the air.

"Is that…smoke?"

I took a few more sniffs of the air until it clicked together in my head. Two juvenile delinquents, a flamethrower, and an abandoned hangar.

"They. Are. So. Dead."

I sprinted ahead of Itachi and Tonsou, following my nose like a bloodhound. When I reached the source of the smoke, my jaw dropped to the ground. The fire was huge, encompassing what seemed to be a large building (which was most likely the hangar Itachi spoke of). Covering my mouth and nose, I ran in search of the two -soon to be dead- boys. I contemplated on what their deaths should be: hanging or lethal injection. Better yet, I'll hang Sasuke and inject Naruto. It was a comforting thought.

The area was hilly and I found myself exhausted from running up and down steep valleys. I looked up at a rather treacherous slope, my eye twitching. When I get my hands on them… I heaved a sigh and began climbing, using both my arms and legs. I felt a stinging pain in my leg and knew my wound had reopened from the strain. Ignoring the pain, I climbed as quickly as I could. After several falls and an immense effort, I reached the peak, dirty and exhausted. But when I saw blond hair and heard cries of victory, I knew it was worth it. Naruto was so absorbed in his hollering, he didn't hear me approach from behind. Before I could pounce on him, I felt arms wrap around my waist.

"You shouldn't kill your brother," Itachi's smooth voice whispered into my ear. I flinched instinctively as his breath tickled my ear.

How could he have reached the top of the hill so quickly? I didn't even know he had followed me. Another thing, where was Damien-er…_Tonsou_?

"Don't tell me you've never wanted to kill Sasuke," I scoffed.

"No, I haven't," Itachi said.

"Well, he's not as bad as Naruto."

Hearing his name, the fool turned around. As he did so, his face had a pleasant meeting with my fist.

"Ow," he whined rubbing his nose.

Itachi pinned my arms to the side so I wouldn't be able to deck him.

"That's what you get!" I growled, twisting in Itachi's strong grip. "Now where's Sasuke?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a tuft of black hair climbing the hill. And that brings us to the aforementioned scene with me trying to attack the two and Itachi restraining me.

"What in God's name _possessed _you to burn a _government hangar_?!" I exclaimed, slumping against Itachi's chest. It wasn't worth it. Trying to push out of his arms was like trying to push a brick wall down. However, I kept a strong glower fixated on my features."Hidan," Naruto and Sasuke said in unison.

"Where the Hell is that bastard?!" I growled, a new fury born within me. I started to struggle again.

I didn't care anymore that Hidan was an Akatsuki member. No one screws with my brothers like that! Wait. Did I just say brothers? Well, they're my _property_, and he has no rights over them! I may sound like an insane mother, but without me, they'd probably be locked up in either the state penitentiary or an insane asylum.

"He left," Naruto said, answering my question.

Of course. That coward was going to pay when I find him.

"Why did you have to burn down a _hangar_?" I asked with a whining tone my voice.

"Well the retards wouldn't give Hidan the money."

At my uncomprehending look, Itachi said, "He's speaking of the Ketsueki, a rival gang. They stole Kakuzu's money so Hidan came to retrieve it."

That was the last straw. Gangs? It'll be a cold day in Hell when let Naruto and Sasuke get involved with gangs. I was so pissed I didn't even know what to do. So, I just sighed deeply, practicing my meditation.

"Okay, I'm cool, I'm calm," I said, taking another deep breath, exhausted from my struggle.

I knew Itachi was distrustful, but he hesitantly released me. Oddly enough, I missed the feeling of his arms around me, the heat his body emanated, and found myself cold both inside and out. Ignoring the feeling, I grabbed hold of Naruto's ear and walked over to Sasuke. I could see the look of sheer terror cross his face as Naruto chanted 'ow, ow, ow'. He wasn't quick enough, though, and my index finger and thumb latched themselves onto his ear.

"We're going home!" I yelled fiercely into their red ears. Without turning around I called, "Itachi! Tonsou!"

Tonsou popped out of nowhere, following Itachi as he followed me as I dragged the two fools by their earlobes. It was like a motley parade.

"Sakura!" the soon-to-be faces on a milk carton cried in unison.

"You're lucky I'm not grabbing something else and ripping it off," I growled.

They immediately quieted, remembering my threats of castration. When we finally arrived at the Uchiha compound, I took mercy and let them go (even though hearing them cry uncle was music to my ears). The not-so-amusing thought that I was harboring fugitives crossed my mind. Technically, Itachi was the one harboring them since this was his house.

"We're sleeping over to make sure you two don't get yourselves into more trouble with the law," I said. "And don't even _think _that I'm going to go easy on you two just because your IQs combined are equal to that of a two-by-four. I'm going to be Miss Hannigan to your Annie. That's right. You will be cleaning this _entire house _with a toothbrush. Tonsou, I want you to watch them."

"Why me?" he whined.

"Wouldn't you enjoy watching them get tortured? And besides, you're going to be living here, so you might as well memorize the layout of this place."

"Wait. What?" Sasuke asked.

"The Spawn of Satan is going to be staying with you until further notice," I told him. With a sadistic grin, I added," Welcome to Hell."

"Oh, c'mon, he can't be-"

Before Naruto could finish, though, he received a hard kick to…well, I'm pretty sure you can guess.

"It's time to get to work," he said, running up the stairs with a wolfish grin on his face.

"I'll…be…there…in…a…second," Naruto said in a tiny voice as he writhed on the floor, hands between his legs.

"I think that kid's punishment enough," Sasuke mumbled as he walked upstairs.

Naruto regained his bearings (well, as much as possible after getting kicked in his special place) and stood, walking bowlegged to the staircase.

"One more thing, hand over the flamethrower," I said, holding out my arms.

Naruto moaned and whined, but I punched him upside the head having no mercy on the recent wound to his male pride. He removed the weapon with reluctance and unfortunately I fell to the ground from its weight. I heard Tonsou cackle at the top of the stairs.

"You're getting the room at the end of the hallway," I growled, knowing that one was dusty.

Naruto walked upstairs in defeat and Itachi went to his room while I called Iruka and treated my wound.

"We're sleeping over," I told him.

"Okay," came his response over the line, but his voice sounded odd. "You know, I've been watching the news and there have been some strange things going on."

"Um, like what?" I asked nervously, hissing as I put peroxide on my cut.

"Well, first of all, a young boy from the Hyuga clan has gone missing. Then one of Rammstein's stage props was stolen; a flamethrower, I think. And now they're saying an abandoned government hangar has been burnt down."

"Wow, that's strange," I said, placing a new bandage over the lesion. I hope he couldn't tell how nervous I was. I mean, Tonsou is a missing person. If someone finds out we've been housing him we could get in huge trouble. "Well…I'm…just going to hang up now. Uh, see you tomorrow."

I placed the phone on the receiver before he could reply and sat down on the living room couch. I had no pajamas with me, so I stole up into Sasuke's room to steal a t-shirt and boxers. Speaking of undergarments, I was reminded that I still had Itachi's underwear when it fell out of my pants pocket while changing. I stuffed it back in, knowing I would have future use of it.

It was about eight o'clock when I finished, too early to go to bed. Flicking through the television stations, I decided to watch a corny sci-fi movie where giant green monsters bit off civilians' heads. Ah, if only those civilians were Naruto and Sasuke. By ten o'clock, the movie had finished, but I knew I couldn't go to sleep. I kept the flamethrower ready in case the two morons wanted to cause more trouble.

Just as the fingers of unconsciousness were about to curl themselves around me, I heard the stairs creak. I jumped up, grabbing the hose of the flamethrower that was on my back. I'd be damned if Naruto and Sasuke got past me.

"Why are you still up?"

The voice wasn't Sasuke or Naruto's, but Itachi's. I was somewhat relieved, even though he was an Akatsuki. I immediately put the hose down and sat back on the couch. Itachi came out of the darkness in all his nightly glory. Clad in sweats and his hair hanging around his face, he almost looked like a normal person except he was still dangerous and good-looking. There I go again. I called a fearsome member of a high school gang good-looking. What is wrong with me today?

"You look…less intimidating," I stated. I never thought I'd be saying that to an Akatsuki, let alone Itachi and I hoped I wouldn't be killed for it.

"You look more intimidating," he retorted, looking at the flamethrower.

"If Sasuke and Naruto make one move towards that door, they'll be tomorrow's breakfast," I said.

"I doubt after your barrage of threats they'd be foolish enough to cross you," he said, taking a seat in the recliner.

"This is _Naruto _we're talking about," I said. "He had to touch the stovetop eight times before he realized that fire is hot. Anyway, what are you doing down here?"

"The same thing you are."

"Watching crappy sci-fi movies?"

"Making sure the two don't leave the house. They're my responsibility, after all."

"Naruto isn't. He's mine," I said with a grin.

"And that's what concerns me. Please do not kill the boy when he's staying in my house."

"I can't assure you that I won't, but I'll try my best."

A silence descended upon us as another movie came on, this time with a giant rock lobster attacking people at the beach. During a commercial break, I went upstairs to make sure Sasuke and Naruto were doing their jobs, not trusting that Tonsou would be able to keep a firm leash on them. They have ways to coerce and sway people. It gave me a good laugh watching them scrub the walls with toothbrushes. Hopefully they weren't using toothpaste, though. After exchanging a cruel smile with Tonsou, I walked back down stairs to continue watching 'Attack of the Rock Lobster'.

"You should sleep," Itachi said when he saw me stifle a yawn. "I'll keep watch."

"Wake me up if they do something," I said without argument. I laid down on the couch and pulling the covers over my head to keep the light of the television from my eyes. "I want to be the one to castrate them."

-0-

"Itachi, is she dead? Her head's under the covers and she's stock-still."

"Tobi wants to poke her and find out!"

"Go ahead, I'm sure she'll enjoy tearing you limb from limb."

"S-sakura wouldn't do that…would she?"

"Well, she does have violent tendencies, despite how she looks and acts. You never know."

"She's twitching, un."

"I guess she's waking up."

"Can Tobi poke her now?"

"Go ahead, un. I'd love to watch you die."

"Deidara-senpai's so mean!"

"Would you two shut the hell up? You're giving me a goddamn headache! You cock-sucking mother fuckers…"

"…"

"We're hungry."

"…"

"Can we eat her?"

That comment was disturbing, so I finally decided to quit feigning sleep. I pulled the covers down and sat up, coming face-to-face with an orange mask. My eye twitched. Not thinking, I punched the mask and the body attached to it sailed clear across the room. Rounds of laughter erupted and I looked around to find the room full of Akatsuki. Every single member was there. Then it slowly came together in my mind. I just punched an Akatsuki.

"Crap," was all I could say.

"Don't worry, he's used to it by now," Hidan said, recovering from his laughing fit.

"_You_," I seethed venomously.

"I suggest you run," Itachi said monotonously. He was reading a book and was clearly not interested in my rising enmity towards Hidan.

""I will release the fury of Hell upon you!" I roared, lifting the hose of the flamethrower.

"Wait, Deidara and Tobi were involved, so shouldn't you release the fury of Hell upon them, too?" he asked, jabbing a finger in their direction.

"Snitch, un," Deidara growled.

"Tobi doesn't want to die!"

"Then you must atone for your sins," I said. "Two hundred laps around Konoha. _Now_."

With whimpers, the three ran out of the house like the devil was after them (actually, it was quite similar to that). Kakuzu roared with laughter.

"Man, you're entertaining. I'm surprised you're not afraid of them! Well, Deidara and Hidan, I mean."

His words reminded me who I was dealing with and I repeated my most commonly used word.

"Crap."

You see, when I'm tired, I get vicious. I don't care who you are, if you wake me up before my sleep cycle is complete, I will murder you. You could be the fricken Pope and I would bring a knife through your heart. The only reason Naruto survives waking me up in the morning is because I'm used to it…and law prohibits murdering family members. But now I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear they might murder me.

I sat down gingerly and muttered, "What time is it?"

"Two o'clock," Pein said.

Looking out the window I noticed it was still dark. Once again, I forgot who these people were and blew a head gasket. I was having major mood swings today.

"Thank you for waking me up two in the frickin' morning! Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get some goddamn sleep before I pop a blood vessel. _No one say a damn word_."

With that, I fell back down and pulled the covers over my head.

"…"

"I told you not to bother her," Itachi said.

"…"

"Sasuke and Naruto are trying to leave."

I quickly stood up on the couch, flamethrower and all, my fury rolling off me in waves. When I looked at the door, I only saw Pein and Konan.

"Just kidding," Kakuzu said.

Knowing that I shouldn't screw with Kakuzu (especially since his money was stolen) I asked, "So, um…why is everyone here?"

"We're planning a homicide," Kakuzu said as if he was talking about the weather.

My eyes bulged out of my head and my mouth dropped.

"Kidding," he said with a laugh.

I threw the pillow on the couch at him, but he only continued to laugh. He enjoyed screwing with me and I resented him for it.

"We're just hanging out with the only person who has a decent house," Kisame said, cocking his head towards Itachi.

That's right. The Akatsuki like coming here and planning their daily mayhem. As if my life wasn't already screwed up what with a moronic brother and a jackass best friend, I have to get involved with this psychopathic group.

"We also have something to tell you," Pein said.

Zetsu came up to me holding a button and I was frightened for a moment but he carefully pinned it to my shirt.

"You're an honorary Akatsuki," Sasori said. "Since you don't want to be a full-fledged one."

I looked down and read the button which stated _'Honorary Akatsuki, Sakura Haruno. Beware the Pink.'_. My eye twitched.

"Thanks," I said, though it was more like a question.

"You're welcome," Konan said with a knowing smirk.

Great. Just what I need. No longer concerned about my life I fell back down once again.

"Give me my pillow," I said sleepily. Kakuzu threw the pillow at me and I placed it behind my head thanking whatever gods were out there that he didn't murder me, and once again pulling the covers up over my head. "When I wake up, I expect all of you to be gone…"

The last thing I heard was Kakuzu say," Itachi, she's kicking us out of your house."

-0-

"The pain!"

"It burns!"

Cries of sheer agony resounded through the woods before a rough voice interrupted them.

"Shut it, you two!"

Immediately, they clamped there mouths closed hard enough to shatter whatever teeth they had left.

The Ketsueki had managed to survive. They crawled out of the burning building with third degree burns covering their entire bodies. As they crawled, Boss felt a rough surface underneath his hand that didn't belong in the forest; it was leather. Looking up, he stared down the barrel of a gun.

"Put your hands up where we can see them!" the police man ordered.

The three looked at each other and sighed.

"Crap."

-0-

**(A/N) Well, they survived. I might use you in future chapters, guys.**

**Ketsueki: No! Spare us!**

**Hidan: Looks like no one wants to be in your story.**

**Yeah, then why are you here?**

**Hidan: You forced me to sign a waver, jackass.**

**Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Hehehe…fogettaboutit. -Ahem- Sorry about that…**

**Anyway, I realize Itachi spoke extensively in this chapter, hopefully I didn't ruin him.**

**Hidan: You ruined-**

**Callate, molesto banda miembro. Tu fastidiar me. Ir al infierno, tu madre punetero pendejo.**

**Hidan: Stop speaking in a language I can't understand!**

**My Spanish is a little rusty, but I said something to the effect of 'Shut up, annoying gang member. You irritate me. Go to Hell, you mother fucking asshole.' **

**Naruto: Wow, you're a lot harsher in Spanish.**

**Hidan: PMSing son of a…**

**I said callate! I apologize for Hidan's crude swear words in the story and mine in the author's note. I'm also sorry this chapter took so long but I had to write this chapter in the freezing cold. The air conditioner is on and so I wrapped myself up in a blanket and got some hot chocolate. Your prize for reviewing is…a button! You can decide whatever it says.**

**Naruto: I want one that says 'Future Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki'!**

**Of course you do…**


	11. Hyuga Mansion Excursion

**(A/N) Sorry this took so long! It's not my best chapter, so I promise the next one will be better! **

**Notes:**

_**Italics**_**: Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the song They're Coming To Take Me Away-Ha Ha, the movie Rat Race, or any other copyrighted franchises mentioned in this story.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Hyuga Mansion Excursion**

'_In which we journey into the world of the Hyugas…and really wish we hadn't.'_

-0-

I awoke feeling warm. On instinct, I huddled into the heat until I realized that I was hugging a body…and it was getting too warm. I pushed away and the couch cushions pressed against my back. Looking up, I saw an orange mask that I remembered from last night as being Tobi's. _'Doesn't he ever take that thing off?' _I wondered._ 'Wait. Tobi is here. On the couch. Sleeping with me._'

"Tobi!" I growled punching the mask, once again sending him flying across the room as a flash of light went off. This time, though, the television halted his voyage across the living area.

"Nice, Sakura, you're buying a new T.V.," I heard Sasuke say.

I turned around to clean his clock, too, but the sight in the kitchen made me stop in my tracks. The Akatsuki, Sasuke, Naruto, and Tonsou were all sitting at the table eating breakfast (it was then I realized I had made it through the night). Well, let's just say the Akatsuki were sitting at the table. Sasuke, Tonsou, and Naruto were sitting at a smaller and shorter table that was conjoined to the other one. Great, so the Akatsuki decided to stay and have breakfast. How quaint.

"Look, I've got a 'before' and 'after' picture," Kisame said, passing his digital camera around the table.

When it came to Itachi, he handed it to me without looking at it and said," I suggest you delete it."

I looked at the small screen and saw me sleeping on the couch, clutching Tobi like he was a teddy bear. I hurriedly pressed the arrow button to look at the 'after' picture which was my fist connecting with Tobi's mask.

"Ha, ha, ha," I said, pressing 'delete' on both of the pictures. "What was Tobi doing on the couch anyway? There are about twenty rooms in this place."

"He was exhausted from his 'jog'," Sasori said. For some reason, he wasn't eating like the others. "Tobi just happened to fall asleep on the couch."

"And you just happened to latch onto him immediately afterwards," Kisame said, grabbing for his camera. I kept it just out of reach.

"And you just _happened_ to take a picture," I derided.

Kisame snatched his camera back and said," Ya know what they say: take a picture, it lasts longer."

A few of them chuckled, but Naruto, being himself, broke out in full-throttle laughter. Milk then came out of his nose, much to Sasuke's repugnance. That only caused the rest of them to laugh even harder till milk came out _their _noses.

"Your sense of humor leaves something to be desired," I muttered, reaching for a cinnamon bun on a plate that was placed in the middle of the table.

Kisame quickly seized the plate, holding it up in the air. He was over six feet tall and I couldn't jump for it with a flamethrower on my back.

"Bad idea," Sasuke muttered as Naruto chuckled.

"What's she-"

I lifted the hose of the flamethrower that was still on my back.

"Oh."

Kisame hurriedly placed a cinnamon bun in my hand and I smiled innocently, taking a seat next to Naruto. He didn't know what to make of this; he was smiling and wincing at the same time.

"Don't worry, I'm too exhausted to kill you," I said but he still seemed on edge. I guess you can't trust me, what with my unexpected mood swings. "Speaking of exhaustion, how was your 'jog'?"

Tobi, Deidara, and Hidan assumed glowers. I immediately knew I was going to pay with my life. I tittered, scooting my chair away from the three. I wasn't afraid of Tobi (I know now I can beat him up) but Hidan and Deidara were a different story. There was a loud knock on the door and I hastily jumped up crying "I'll get it!"

_'Saved by the knock,' _I thought as I opened the door.

I looked around but saw no one. An 'ahem' caused me to look down to where a small girl was standing. She had the brown hair and white eyes of a Hyuga.

"I am Okosu Hyuga," she said in a sweet little-girl voice. "I presume my brother, Tonsou, is residing here?"

"No, he isn't," I said in the voice you use on children, knowing that I could easily fool this kid. "You should be getting home to your parents."

I saw her angelic smile falter, but she quickly regained it. "I have a reliable source who says it's true."

"And who may that be?" I asked, smirking.

"My resources shall remain in anonymity," Okosu said.

I was a bit thrown off by her use of words, but I said," I'll give you a cookie."

A vein appeared on her forehead and her face turned red. "I am here to retrieve my brother," she said through clenched teeth.

I leaned down so I was at eye level with her and said," I told you, he's not here."

I felt a tug on the front of my shirt and was pulled down even closer to Okosu's face. "Now listen here, Pinky, I'm going to come and get Tonsou and there is _nothing _you can do about it."

She pushed me away and tried to walk into the house, but I quickly blocked her path, shaking off my shock. "I don't think so, little girl."

"_Little girl_?!" Okosu exclaimed.

Backing away, she darted from side to side as I tried to follow her movements. She tricked me by pretending to lean towards one side as I followed and quickly ran through the gap.

"Crap," I said.

I ran after her into the kitchen where the startled group sat.

"Okosu!" Tonsou squeaked, hiding behind the nearest person, who happened to be Sasori.

"Tonsou!" she growled. "I can't believe you! You are coming home this instant!"

"Over his dead body," he replied, pointing to Sasori.

"Whoever said I was going to protect you?" he asked. "Who is this kid, anyway?"

Okosu had an air around her that demanded respect. She was a tough little kid, I could see that, but I was a bit thrown off by her pigtails.

"My twin sister," Tonsou muttered.

"Aren't all Hyugas twins?" Hidan muttered. "They all look alike to me."

"It doesn't matter who I am!" she cried. "I'm just going to bring Tonsou back home so he can get punished severely."

"Yeah, 'cause that's just gonna make me wanna come running back," he said sardonically.

"I will drag you by your throat if I have to. I want you by my side on the count of ten," Okosu said, her voice getting harsh. "One…two…_ten_."

Okosu bolted and Hyuga screeched. They ran around the house, jumping on and off furniture.

"Thank you for letting an imbalanced, erudite, nine-year-old girl into my house," Sasuke said.

"Hey, I didn't let her in," I said. "The twerp tricked me."

There was a loud cry as Okosu tackled Tonsou to the ground, pinning his arm behind his back. Tears welled up in his eyes as he cried uncle.

"Those two remind me of you and Naruto," Kisame said.

"Hey, I'm not _that _imbalanced," I said.

"Why isn't anyone trying to help me?!" Tonsou cried.

"Maybe because you're a burden," his sister growled.

I was growing tired of hearing Tonsou's cries so I finished up my bun, licked my fingers, and clapped my hands. "Okay you two, calm yourselves." Okosu turned to me with a furious glare but I wasn't so easily perturbed. "Don't even try to use that glare on me. Growing up with Sasuke, the master of all glowers, I've become quite efficient in that area."

Okosu dropped the glare and reluctantly climbed off of Tonsou's back. He got up and bent his back with a cracking noise. I winced at the sound.

"We have to come to some sort of compromise," I said.

"I'm not going to leave without Tonsou," she said adamantly.

"And I'm not leaving with _her_," he said just as stubbornly.

I sighed, shaking my head. How the Hell could an innocent Scavenger Hunt come to this? "I guess we're at a stalemate then."

Okosu was infuriated. "Who's the adult in charge here?"

Everyone pointed to Itachi accusingly.

"You know you're holding a missing person, don't you?" she asked.

"I'm well aware of that," he replied disinterestedly.

"Then you should know that the right thing to do is return him home," she said.

"I do know that," he answered, unconcerned with the fact she was practically glowering.

"Then why haven't you returned him?" she growled.

"The boy is very stubborn, as you can see."

By this point I was wondering if the Akatsuki would kill a little girl. She was foaming at the mouth, her eyes bloodshot. This may be the first time one of them would have to kill someone out of self-defense.

"Since it seems you're not going to win, Okosu," I said, trying to placate the girl," we have a new addition to the Uchiha household."

Thankfully, she wasn't stupid. She knew she couldn't win against the obstinate little boy Tonsou being and sighed.

"There's one problem with that," she said.

We all groaned. This girl was going to drive us insane. I hummed 'They're Coming to Take Me Away- Ha Ha' in my head, hoping the men in white coats would arrive soon. All I wanted was a pleasant weekend after our first school week, but no. God wouldn't give me the satisfaction of peace.

"I don't have my stuff," Okosu said.

"Then go back to your house and get it," I said exasperatedly.

"There are _two _things wrong with _that_," she said. "Number one, isn't it a bit suspicious for a nine-year-old girl to be packing up her belongings and going off somewhere? Number two, I'm not allowed back in the house without Tonsou."

That just blew my mind. She wasn't allowed back into her own house without her brother? I wondered what her parents were like.

"We can sneak in and get your stuff, un," Deidara said.

I wanted to kill him. Of course an Akatsuki would come up with an idea like that. Breaking and entering was nothing to them.

"Fine, but I'll have to assist you," Okosu said, apparently not seeing anything wrong with this. "The Hyuga mansion is large and confusing. I need a large paper and a marker."

Naruto ran out of the room and was back in less than a second with said items. He's beginning to scare me. Okosu took the paper and started drawing lines on it with the marker. A few minutes later there was a blueprint of the Hyuga mansion on the paper.

"That's insane," I breathed, speaking of the enormity of the house and her skills at map-making.

"Thank you," she responded, taking it as a compliment. "Okay, there are fourteen entrances to the Hyuga household. I suggest using the back ones, for the obvious reasons, so that leaves us with seven. We should split into groups of two. Now-"

"Kid, you don't have to do anything," Hidan interrupted, much to her annoyance. "We can handle this."

'_Yes, because you've broken into a school and a hangar before,' _I thought bitterly.

"What is it you need?" I asked.

"Just a change of clothes," she said, eying Tonsou. "It won't take too long."

The Hyuga boy stuck his tongue out at his sister, who did the same. Then Okosu sighed, putting her tongue back in. Yes, she was very smart.

"Now, memorize the map," she said.

There were groans of protest from the group.

"We don't all have photographic memory like you," I said.

"Too bad, because you're going to split up into groups of two and there's only one map."

We nodded reluctantly in agreement and began studying the map as if it was the blueprints for the Sistine Chapel. When we were finished (well, excluding Naruto who's tongue was sticking out in concentration) the Akatsuki made bets on who would reach the room first. The movie 'Rat Race' came to mind.

"Sakura, you should change into something more criminal-esque," Naruto said.

"Please leave my clothes here," Sasuke muttered, remembering the last time I had brought his undergarments home and Naruto stuck them up on the flagpole the next day at school.

I went up into Sasuke's room, knowing that there's bound to be something black or camouflage, and opted for a black sweatshirt with a grinning skull and black pants that were way too big. I looked like an oversized, goth marshmallow in his clothes. I hid my flamethrower in one of the rooms upstairs since I couldn't be too stealthy with that hulky thing on my back. I went back downstairs and Sasuke grimaced, noticing my choices of clothing.

"I'm recommending you to therapy," I said, pointing to the skull on my sweatshirt.

Sasuke muttered something akin to 'idiot' and then said," I'm not going."

"Neither am I," Tonsou said, even though that was obvious.

That left twelve of us, including Naruto and I. At first I thought that this was a bit much, but then I remembered that this was a freaking mansion and it'd take us a while to find her room even though it was marked on the map we memorized.

We walked out of the mansion and onto the streets, very suspicious looking with our black attire and duffel bags. We hadn't smeared anything on our faces like football players, though, and Naruto was severely disappointed. When we reached the Hyuga mansion (which was across the town) I gaped. It was just as grand -if not more- as the Uchiha mansion. But that meant there was also high security.

"How are we going to get past security?" I asked.

"Leave that to me," Okosu said, a mischievous tone in her voice. "I know all the codes."

This girl was a natural Akatsuki. Maybe she should be an honorary.

"Let's choose our partners," Naruto said.

I immediately grabbed Itachi's arm, digging my nails into his skin. Tobi reached for him but I gave a feral hiss. Everyone had wide eyes.

"Half of you want to kill me and the other half wouldn't mind digging the hole for my body," I explained. "Besides, I have something of Itachi's."

Their eyes were still wide in shock.

"I'll go with her," he said blankly and I smiled triumphantly.

I was safe from the Akatsuki. Well, for now that is. Everyone else picked their partners and walked around to the back of the manor. We had to scale the large wall, climbing atop one another and pulling each other up. It was a tedious and painful process, but eventually everyone got over the wall. We ended up in the gardens. Even though it was autumn, there were many different colors dotting the ground. Statuesque fountains and benches were placed among the falling leaves. Okosu searched the wall and found the alarm system's control panel. She pressed her thumb to it and there was a mechanical voice that said 'alarm disengaged'.

We walked up to the seven doors, and Okosu walked in first to disarm the cameras. Each team took a different door and followed various routes. Itachi and I took the one furthest to the left. Following our mental maps, we climbed stairs, opened and closed doors, and searched. It was exhausting, this mansion. There were so many hallways and doors, they started to warp. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. Sighing and crossing my fingers, I opened a rather fancy door. The most frightening sight met my eyes.

A Naruto shrine.

I silently beckoned Itachi to the room to show him the incense and pictures of my brother. There were instant ramen cups set on tables and a small cushion seat was on the floor. Who would be that obsessed with Naruto?

"Either someone really hates him or really likes him," I said, shutting the door carefully.

Shaking off the shock, Itachi and I continued our journey. Our mental maps must have been screwed, though, because we couldn't find Okosu's room. We hadn't even run into one of the Akatsuki. Finally, we reached a very long staircase. It was extravagant and the railings had carvings in them. It looked like it went to heaven.

"Hell no," I said.

Itachi apparently didn't hear me and began to climb the staircase. I huffed and protested a few times but eventually followed him. It wasn't that bad until I reached the four hundredth step. I was crawling on my hands and knees, my face red from the exertion. Even climbing that hill wasn't this bad! I was thankful when I felt level surface beneath my palm and pulled myself up. There were only two doors in the hallway. I opened one to reveal a blue room and Itachi opened the other to reveal a pink one.

"That must be hers. Let's just get the stuff, and get out," I said, opening drawers and throwing clothes into the duffel bag.

Suddenly, we heard voices coming from the staircase, drawing closer. I gave Itachi a panicked expression and he nodded to the closet. We squished into the tiny wardrobe just as the bodies attached to the voices walked through the door. I was very close to Itachi with my back against his chest.

"…I said 'mimosas'!"

Laughs followed after. There were about three males from what I could tell. I heard a zipper being pulled down and then one of them asked," So, does this look infected to you?"

I practically choked, thinking of what he was talking about. Itachi placed his hand over my mouth so I couldn't scream.

"I don't know, have you been to the doctor?" another man asked.

God, I wanted to get out of there. _'Just leave already,' _I begged the men in my mind.

"Back to business," the first man said. "This is her room."

There was the sound of shuffling papers and drawers opening and closing.

"Well, nothing's out of the ordinary," the second man said. "She seems like a regular child to me."

The first man snorted. "That's because you haven't met her. She's a genius."

"Well, I'm going home, so if there's anything you need," there was the sound of a pen scratching and paper tearing," call me."

There exchanged pleasantries and they left the room. Silently, I counted to thirty until I was sure they were gone. Itachi took his hand off of my mouth and we left the cramped closet (I can't tell you how many gay jokes came to mind at that moment). We finished hurriedly and walked back to the staircase. I had a brilliant idea and sat on the railing.

"See ya," I said to Itachi, letting go of the banister that was keeping me steady.

Let's just say, it wasn't one of my brighter ideas. I had a major wedgie and almost fell over. I tried to hold on to the railing for dear life, but that was barely enough to stabilize me. Thankfully, the banister stopped my fall (but also gave me another thing to complain about). The worst part about it was that Itachi was waiting at the bottom for me. I croaked, a pain in my stomach where the banister hit me.

I got off and walked with Itachi, trying to find my way out. I took many turns and pivots but nothing seemed familiar. I ended up in a very long hall. I was about to pass by an open door, but Itachi pulled me back. Inconspicuously, I leaned over to peak inside. It was living room setting with a loveseat, couch, recliner, and window seat. On the loveseat was a Hyuga boy about my age with a very bored expression on his face. Across from him sitting on the recliner was a balding man holding a large piece of paper with an inkblot.

"What does this look like to you?" the man asked.

"A stick," the boy replied gruffly.

The man placed the paper behind the other one and asked," And this?"

"Another stick."

The man pulled out another inkblot.

"Stick."

This process continued until the man sighed.

"Well, Neji, it seems you are the dullest adolescent I have ever treated," he said, rubbing his fingers over his eyelids.

I stifled a laugh. I thought the boy heard me because he glanced over to where I was, but I must have been mistaken for he said nothing and looked away. "Does that mean we're finished?"

"For today," the man said, putting the ink-blots away.

They got up, shook hands, and left. After counting thirty seconds, we walked out of the hallway and turned a corner, seeing the back doors. After walking through the immense gardens we arrived at the meeting place. I handed the duffel bag to Okosu, who took it gratefully.

"You're the only ones who made it," she said.

Everyone was back, annoyed expressions on their faces. They were clearly exhausted from trekking through the household. The Akatsuki took their money out of their pockets and lined up, handing the notes to Itachi. I could see Kakuzu was struggling.

"The things I do for a break-in," Hidan muttered.

"So, are you good?" I asked Okosu.

"You forgot my toothbrush," she said, looking in the duffel bag.

We all glared at her.

"Kidding!"

Sighing, we walked back to the Uchiha compound. When we got back, I curled up on the couch.

"You're going back to sleep?!" Naruto asked, astonished.

"Hey, it _is _the day of rest," I replied. "And if I see you, Tobi, I'll hit you so hard your grandfather will feel it."

Satisfied with my threat, I fell into a deep slumber, hoping I wouldn't be killed in my sleep.

-0-

**(A/N) Anyway, there were some jokes you may not get. The first one is They're Coming to Take me Away-Ha Ha. I used it in the first chapter, too. It's a song about a man going crazy. The second one is 'mimosas'. This came to me after watching The Soup. Mimosas is a drink and if you know what the man was showing, it's implied that he had sex while intoxicated and got an infection. Sorry, I just had to throw a sex joke in their. **

**I just finished this chapter when my friends called and told me to meet them at the baseball field so I had to leave and couldn't put this up. You're probably thinking 'Why didn't you say no?'. Well, they have bats and they know where I live. Bad combination. For this chapter being late, I'll pin it on my friends and my brother, Chad, who has been making odd noises.**

**Anyway, as I said, this wasn't my best chapter, but review anyway. I'll give you a Rorschach test (you know, with the inkblots).**


	12. Hell in the Form of Ricocheting Red Ball

**(A/N) Sorry for the late update, but I think you'll like this chapter. I've been so busy lately, what with tennis, FFF (forced family fun), and swimming. And to add to that, a friend of mine recently died and I've been thrown way off course. I don't think I'll get the next chapter up any sooner, but cross your finger and pray, my dear readers.**

**Notes:**

_**Italics:**_** Thoughts, dreams, flashbacks, emphasis.**

**Criminal Minds**

**Hell in the Form of Ricocheting Red Balls**

'_In which Sakura gets questioned by the legal system and questions said legal system.'_

"I'm not going to school," I groaned as Naruto pounced on my bed.

Apparently, he forgot that I was going to murder him. I tried various times, actually; even last night while he was asleep. I came in with bat in hand, a meticulous plot curled inside my devious mind. However, he woke up, screaming about the evil three stooges. Thanks to his disturbing subconscious, I needed to come up with new plans.

"Why not?" Naruto asked innocently.

"Maybe it's because my idiot brother and his jackass best friend decided to burn down a hangar!"

"Sasuke's _your _best friend, too. Besides, that was Saturday."

"Yes, and I still remember the trauma clearly."

I sighed hard, and threw the covers off of me. Naruto gave a cheer and ran out of my room. Shaking my head, I performed my morning rituals, brushing my teeth so hard my gums started to bleed. When I came downstairs, a full breakfast had been set on the table. Naruto sat grinning in one of the chairs with Iruka across from him, not knowing what to make of this. He was looking between his son and the bowl in front of him suspiciously, no doubt wondering if it was some kind of prank.

"So, Naruto, you've decided to make breakfast," he said with a wary smile. He looked down into the bowl and sighed. "Ramen. I should've known."

I couldn't say anything in front of Iruka, but I knew Naruto was doing this to make up for his latest idiocies. I sat down, glared at Naruto, and mouthed the words _not gonna work_. Breakfast was a silent affair, what with me glaring daggers at Naruto and Iruka looking between us.

"Did something happen?" he asked.

"Nope," I answered, not turning to face him.

Naruto was beginning to get uncomfortable. He fidgeted in his seat as he slurped up his second bowl of ramen.

"So, ready for your next week of school?" Iruka asked awkwardly, a lopsided grin on his face.

"Of course," I said, my eyes piercing holes into Naruto's chest.

"Um…I'm going to leave now," Naruto said.

He stood up, but in his nervousness he tripped over his feet, falling to the floor. Iruka shook his head, thinking that this was one of his regular antics. The blond crawled over to his backpack, grabbed it, and crawled to the door.

_'That's right,' _I thought spitefully. _'Let the fear eat you alive.'_

"Want me to help you?" I asked sweetly, a hint of malice lacing my words. "I'll get the door."

With speed that was akin to a superhero, Naruto jumped up and pulled the handle down, crawling out of the door.

"What…was…that?" Iruka asked, concurrently stunned and disturbed.

"That, my dear father," I replied," is what happens when you play with fire."

-0-

When I entered the school, I was immediately flanked by Akatsuki. Repressed memories of two nights ago came back full-force and I prayed they weren't going to kill me.

"Uh, hi?" I asked, just about ready to bolt.

I had this inherent instinct that I was going to be murdered there, in front of all these students. And right after I started my junior year! Well, at least there isn't high school in Heaven (actually, where I'm going, there might).

"Where's your button?" Kakuzu inquired, looking around.

"Wha…?" I asked. I was thrown off because I expecting a machete to the head. Then it came to me. "Oh, it's in my bag."

A student walked in front of me, and Kakuzu grabbed his collar, throwing him down the hallway. I think I might have died then, but when Kakuzu snapped his fingers in front of my face, I knew I was only stagnating. Still, I could not speak.

"Wear it," Hidan ordered, seemingly unperturbed by his friend chucking a student down the corridor.

"O-okay," I said slowly. "Why…?"

"You have to show everyone that you're an Akatsuki," Kakuzu informed, looking around once more.

_'Yeah,' _I thought sulkily. _'Because I want to show everyone that I'm now a gangbanger.' _

I was probably going to get tormented, but I don't know how the Akatsuki would react if I didn't wear it. So, I had to measure the kids from school against the wrath of the Akatsuki.

"I'll just pull it out," I said, reaching into my book bag.

I pinned it onto my shirt without as much as a huff. Let the Hell commence.

"Um, Sakura…" Ino said, coming up to me. "What's with the button?"

"I'm an honorary Akatsuki," I muttered, my eye twitching.

Ino went through several expressions in the course of two seconds: shock, doubt, disbelief, and finally skepticism.

"You can't be an Akatsuki," she said. "You're…_Sakura_!"

"That's what I said," I deadpanned.

Kids were beginning to wear the same expressions as Ino. They whispered behind their hands and walked away, glancing back at me. I knew I'd probably hit the wall if one of them dared approach me.

"So, Ino, are you afraid now?" I asked, starting to walk again.

She snorted, following me. "You have pink hair and a four-point-oh average. I don't think so."

"You've never seen her when she's tired," Hidan muttered, glaring at the floor.

Ino looked to me for answers but I just shrugged. I didn't want to dredge up the past. Hidan and Kakuzu were walking beside me and glaring at everyone that passed. What was up with those two? They were like two pit bulls rearing to attack, and when we reached the door, I'd finally had it with their neuroticism.

"Why are you guys following me and acting like prairie dogs hopped up on caffeine?" I asked.

"We have the same homeroom," Hidan pointed out.

"And we have to protect you," Kakuzu said.

Great. I have the Akatsuki as bodyguards. Does anyone else find that ironic?

"From what?" I asked, dubious.

"Rival gangs," Kakuzu said. "They'll probably try to kill you since you're fresh meat."

I hated that he could say such things so easily when my blood practically froze. Hidan gave my back a firm slap and my heart resumed beating with a few coughs.

"Don't worry, we won't let anyone touch you," he said, surprisingly sincere.

"How reassuring," I muttered anyway, entering the classroom.

Everyone turned toward me in their seat. Kids who looked like they would steal money from an old man (preferably Sadao) glowered at me. The two Akatsuki stepped in front of me, blocking my view.

"C'mon, I can take care of myself," I said, pushing through them. "Kakuzu, you'll probably get into trouble since this is not your homeroom…or grade."

He gave me a does-it-look-like-I-care look and I remembered I was talking to the guy who beat up a fifth grader last year and stole my money. Naruto, Ino, and I walked to our seats, ignoring the looks we received. Sasuke was already at his desk with a very annoyed expression on his face. And it was clear why.

His hair was orange.

"New style?" I asked, and Naruto snickered. "It looks like you threw Naruto's clothes on top of your head."

He turned to glare fiercely at me. "You don't know how close I am to killing that brat."

Wow. Sasuke was seething. That's a new one.

"What did Tonsou do?" I asked, sitting in my seat.

"He put something in my shampoo," he muttered. "It turned my hair orange."

"I think it's cool," Naruto stated, and Sasuke glared even harder.

"Well, why don't you dye _your _hair orange," I suggested to him. "Then you and Sasuke can be Oompa-Loompas."

"Ha ha," Sasuke said. "The point is I cannot live with him! He's been wreaking havoc ever since you left."

"Hasn't Okosu been able to rein him in?" I asked.

"She's too busy laughing," he mumbled. "And all of his pranks are aimed at me! Itachi gets none of it! It's like having a miniature Naruto running around the house!"

Everyone's eyes turned to Sasuke. Never had we heard him rant. No, he was the silent, brooding type. He kept everything bottled up. But now he was…well, he was like _me_.

"Consider it punishment for your actions during the scavenger hunt," I said.

"Naruto dragged me along! I wanted to watch my-"

He clamped his mouth closed before saying anything else. Naruto tried to cover his laughs by coughing.

"Your what?" I asked.

"Nothing," he mumbled.

That was the end of Sasuke's ranting so we sat quietly, waiting for the Jolly Green Giant to arrive. While doing so, the other Akatsuki members walked in.

"Listen up!" Kisame bellowed as he slapped his hands against a desk. The room quieted. "If any one of you lay a hand on Sakura Haruno I will rip your flesh from your bones."

Naruto, Sasuke, and I exchanged looks. Kisame walked back to me and gave a toothy grin.

"That should take care of them," he said.

I laid my head down on the cool desk. Maybe if I try hard enough I could morph into it and become a part of the wood.

"Was that necessary?" I growled between gritted teeth.

"You don't want to get killed, do you?" he asked, but at that point, I would have liked to be dead.

"Yeah, Sakura, un," Deidara added.

Apparently, he forgave me for making him run around Konoha.

"The Akatsuki are here to protect Sakura!"

Tobi, too.

"My heroes," I muttered.

Yes, this was the purest form of Hell.

-0-

I walked down the hallway, thankfully out of the company of the Akatsuki. Too bad I saw the Hyuga boy walking down the hall towards me. I gulped, hoping that he didn't see me when I was peaking in on his therapy session. He walked past me without hesitation and I silently let out my held breath.

"Why were you in my house yesterday?" he asked, stopping behind me.

I winced and turned around. "What do you mean?"

He had a glare set on his face. "Don't play dumb. I saw you."

"Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about," I said, feigning irritability.

It actually sounded believable and I realized I was becoming too good of a liar.

"Listen, I think you have something to do with Tonsou's absence," he said, walking closer to me. "So, if you know anything about where he is, you better tell me now."

I love it when people try to intimidate me. They don't realize that I grew up with Itachi and Sasuke. I wasn't so easily scared.

"Who's Tonsou?" I asked. Hopefully he'll realize that anyone who met the boy would have scars to prove it. "I have to go to class, so if you don't mind..."

I began to walk away but he blocked my path by placing his hand on the locker in front of me. I had the animalistic urge to tear it off.

"Move. Your. Arm," I growled, really peeved at him.

Who did he think he was? It must be the pride every prosperous clan member has. Arrogance is like the latest fashion to them.

"Tell me where my cousin is," he said, placing his hand on the other side of my head so I was trapped.

"I told you, I don't know where he is," I hissed. I wasn't feigning rage anymore.

He wasn't going to let up any time soon, so I balled my hands into fists and punched him in the gut. He doubled over in pain, falling to the ground. I imagined little 'x's over his eyes, signaling a knock out.

"What a drama queen," I muttered, walking away.

I knew this wasn't over, though. He was going to accost me again, I could feel it. Unfortunately for him, he was going to have to deal with the Akatsuki.

-0-

"Today, class, we're going to play bombardment!" Anko called.

Calls of joy were resounded throughout the gymnasium. Yes, teenagers love inflicting pain. I had gym with the seniors, so all of the Akatsuki were there, standing around me as if trying to enclose me in a box.

"Great, bombardment," I muttered. "Just when I find out half of the student populous is trying to kill me."

"Don't worry, Sakura!" Tobi shouted. "Tobi will protect you from the meanies!"

I looked at him incredulously. _'I don't think he can protect himself.'_

The balls were placed in a row in between the two sides. All of the students stood against the wall, waiting for the whistle. I couldn't see them, though, for my vision was obstructed by Zetsu's Venus flytrap of a head. I pushed past him and stood in front of the darkly clad group.

"What are you doing?" Pein immediately asked.

"Standing," I replied slowly.

Abruptly, I felt myself being lifted from the ground.

"Okay, now I am levitating!" I cried, lashing my arms out as I was carried back.

I was placed against the wall and I looked to see who picked me up. It was Itachi. I questioned why he would do something like that when I had complete control over him. He was a fool.

"What was that for?!"

"Your safety," he replied.

"What, do you think I'm going to get killed by rubber balls?!" I asked. "It's dodge ball, for God's sake!"

"Those things hurt, un," Deidara intoned. "I was almost knocked out by some asshole before."

"Well, maybe that's because you're not good at this game!" I said.

"Or maybe it's because you almost blew the guy up by making your clay explosives in the form of a ball," Kakuzu said.

I looked over at the blonde bombardier, not the least bit surprised. I shook my head and backed up against the wall. I was not going to escape from these lunatics! Anko put her lips to the whistle and everyone got ready. Some were even on the floor, preparing to sprint. The Akatsuki looked fierce, glaring at the other students who instantly receded, figurative tails between their legs. I'm sure the kids on our side were happy the juvenile delinquents were with them. Anko drew an exaggerated breath and pretended to blow the whistle. Half of us ran out.

"Just kidding," she said over the groans.

The next time she put her mouth to the whistle, she actually blew, catching most of us off guard. Hastily, I ran to the middle as fast as I could. I was too late, however, and most of the balls were already taken. That meant I was open to attack. A group of students with pompadours and beady eyes stood in front of me. The word 'crap' came to mind. The next thing I heard was a whooshing by my ear and one of the pompadour delinquents fell to the floor, a large red mark on his forehead.

"Yeah, take that bitches!" came Hidan's victory howl. "Pinky, get your ass back here!"

I carefully ran backwards and crashed into the wall. I began to notice most of the balls were being aimed at me and those that weren't, pegged the students. I saw someone lose a tooth and another person get a nosebleed. Students were collapsing to the ground one by one. Whoever invented the game was a sadist. It was practically warfare!

"We're all going to die!" A disgruntled student screamed as he ran past us.

He was subsequently hit by a ball.

"A-are you alright?" I stammered.

"C'mere, my purdy light," the boy murmured dazedly as he fell over, unconscious.

"Don't worry about him!" Kakuzu called over the battle cries and the horrific screams.

The balls pierced the air like missiles. The screams of my fellow peers chilled the bone. I stand corrected. _This _is the purest form of Hell. I dropped down on my stomach crawling away from the Akatsuki and dodging balls at the same time. I had to get out of there. I reached the gym door, not being noticed by the gym teacher who was enthralled by the carnage. I walked out of the gym thankfully and went into the locker room to change. I was debating whether or not I should walk out into the hallway. It'd be suspicious for a student to be roaming the halls when class is in session. I decided to take the risk.

Right as I walked out into the hallway, I saw a shadow hover over me. Looking up, I saw two policemen. The first one I recognized out of the three men that were in Okosu's room. The other one was a very large man with scars covering his face.

"You're coming with us," he said, picking my up by the collar.

"Hey, hey!" I shouted. "Why am I levitating again?!"

He ignored me and carried me to the janitor's closet. Throwing me in, he shut the door and turned on the light. A table sat in the middle of the room with two chairs on one side and a single chair on the other. The low-hanging light was situated over the table. I think I just stepped into Law and Order.

"Sit down," Scarface ordered.

I noticed that the lone chair was placed far away from the door so I would feel trapped. I sat down and the policemen followed suit.

"You were sighted at the Hyuga yesterday," the other policeman said.

"By whom?" I asked though it was clear. I was only stalling.

"Neji Hyuga," Scarface said.

"And you believe him?" I asked. "He's a teenager who's in therapy!"

"Just because he's in therapy doesn't mean he hallucinated."

"No, but it does mean he might be clinically insane."

The two policemen seemed to give it thought. That was the first sign that there was something wrong with these two. Suddenly, Scarface grabbed the low-hanging lamp and shined it in my face.

"Now I know what an incubator feels like," I said. "Thank God I'm not an egg."

"Why were you at the Hyuga mansion?" he asked, ignoring my comment.

"I…was…visiting," I said, spots dotting my vision. "Yeah. Visiting."

Now that wasn't exactly a lie.

"Oh," the policeman said. Scarface let go of the lamp. "Okay. You're free to go."

I was right. There's definitely something wrong with those two.

-0-

The Akatsuki caught up with me after gym. I wonder how long it took them to realize that they were defending a brick wall.

"Where were you?" Pein asked.

"Being interrogated," I replied, looking at my nails.

"You've been an Akatsuki for only one day and you've already been interrogated," Kakuzu commented rather proudly.

"Number one, I'm an _honorary _Akatsuki. Number two, it wasn't that bad. Actually, they were kind of stupid. Neji Hyuga told them he saw me at the mansion and all I had to say was 'I was visiting' and they let me go."

That earned laughter from the group.

"This is cause for celebration, un," Deidara said.

"You're going to celebrate me getting interrogated by the police?" I asked.

"No, un," Deidara replied, slinging his arm around my shoulder. "We're going to celebrate you escaping the fuzz."

"Party at Itachi's!" Hidan yelled.

Sasuke's going to be happy about that.

"You're acting like I broke out of prison," I said, wary of Deidara's arm.

"When that day comes, you'll get a medal," Kakuzu intoned.

So it was settled. The Akatsuki were going to throw a party for my first interrogation in a janitor's closet. Hell is an understatement.

-0-

**(A/N) If you're trying to figure out what the people who are trying to kill Sakura look like think of kids with pompadours and old-fashioned Japanese school uniforms. Or better yet, think of Kuwabara from Yu Yu Hakusho. Or, if you haven't seen the show, enter this in your browser: http(colon)/photo bucket(dot)com/image/kuwabara/animegirl124/kuwabara.jpg?o13**

**I tried to make the dodge ball incident like warfare. And who else thought that Kakuzu throwing an innocent student down the hallway was random? He is too paranoid.**

**Anyway, sorry again for being so late. I won't mind if you kill me. You're review prize is a bouncy red ball that you can throw at someone (coughHidancough).**

**Hidan: Why is it always me?**


End file.
